Hello blogger, my old friend

Hello friends, it's been a while.

Two very big things have happened to me in the past few months. I shall start with the most recent; I got engaged! 💍💍💍 Yes, I am super super excited and I could dedicate a whole post to it but that can be for another time/if people actually care about it (I really don't want to bombard people with all that stuff - especially because as Christians we seem obsessed with people getting married (I mean the amount of questions and worrying looks I've been getting in the last year because I'm 22, in a committed relationship and not married - I mean oh my goodness)). [DISCLAIMER: Marriage is going to be amazing and God-filled and something I believe, for me, God wants. But it is not for everyone. Fellowship is for everyone, marriage doesn't have to be.]

The other thing is incredible, something that I don't think I would ever really be able to talk about this (which makes me sound like a really class Christian), but I have been set free, set free from a life of anxiety and worry.

The last time I blogged I spoke a lot about mental health and the church, this is something that is very dear to me. For over five years I have suferred from severe anxiety. Back then, when I was 16 I would worry about what people would think of me, exams and boys.  When I got to university it became worse (this time I was dealing with guilt - especially if I wasnt focused in God at that particular time of my life), but still I would worry about exams and what people would think of me. Now, since leaving university my anxiety has become focused on my health and focusing/obsessing of things Ive done in the past. I would constantly go up for prayer at church or events in order to be healed from this. But nothing would happen (I would have to do that super awkward smile when someone eagerly waits for you to say you feel great, but you don't).  So, I know what it's like to feel almost as if nothing is working and like you're abandoned.
    So safe to stay after over five years of struggling with anxiety I almost had given up. I've read loads of blog posts, bought books, listened to sermons and still it wasnt stopping. In fact it felt as if my anxiety had gotten worse. I would have days when I wouldn't be able to get out of bed, or I would have to leave rooms if my anxiety had gotten so bad. I found it very difficult to look to God, I couldn't pray as my mind wouldn't focus because anytime I tried to empty my mind I would worry and obsess and remember that really stupid thing I did six months ago and wonder why that man was looking at me so strangely on the bus and OH MY GOODNESS WHAT IS THAT LUMP...Yeah safe to say, I was NOT in a good place.
        It was at this point I decided to go home, I didn't go for any reason, just wanted some free food for a bit. As a family we went to a church event. It was a pretty good service (I mean, they had a buffet at the end - and like I said, I'm about the free food). I cant remember exactly what the sermon was about (how bad is that), but at the end they did a call for prayer. Again, it wasn't anything specific and most people were worshipping/starting the queue for the buffet, but I decided to go up for prayer. Two ladies prayed for me and I didnt really feel any different, just really calm. As I left the event I wasn't anxious or worried (which was huge because right up to this I had felt dreadful). i was able to laugh and actually, strangely, breathe properly (so cliche - but so true).  The anxiety I had been overwhelmedmwith for years had gone. I was free.

From then till now I have had this amazing sense of freedom and peace. It is incredible. It also has come at the perfect time. I have learnt to trust in God and His timing. Knowing His word does stand firm and does stand against my circumstance.

I know how frustrating it is to feel alone, to feel as if prayer isnt working. Anxiety is a lonely place. The ability anxiety has to cut you off from the rest of the world is astounding, the ability it has to make you sound stupid, constantly repeating yourself, worrying about little things...I get it. Through Christ, through prayer and through His timing I am free.

Just a wee testimony to say i am back and will be trying to blog more, sorry ive been rubbish!

blessings xx

The day I stole

I remember it so well, as if it was just yesterday. I remember the thrill and excitement, the rush of blood and adrenaline mixed together made it altogether more daring. Let me set the scene; my mum had taken us shopping, all of us. We were only children and supermarket shopping was pretty dull - but this day has stuck with me. The memory of it failing to disappear - even fifteen years on. I remember seeing it lying there on the ground, Alexander and Grace saw it too. Glistening in the artificial light, small, round and perfect. In a green wrapper it lay, a green foil to keep in the freshness. A single mint chocolate bar/circle. It lay on the ground, a virgin chocolate thrown away from its packet, left to fend for itself. It's only kind we did what we did. I can't remember who picked it up, I'm sure it was Grace as she was the eldest. But all I remember from that point was the taste of mint and chocolate as we split this small yet perfect chocolate bar between us. It was bliss. Still to this day I don't think we ever told my parents, whether it be out of shame or the fact that we had loved the chocolate so much (& for some reason I'm pretty sure we weren't allowed this particular type), or the fact we took pure delight in eating chocolate from the floor...I'm not sure, but I still remember this day and what we did.
   
It's not the world's biggest crime. To be honest it probably isn't really a crime, we, as children took chocolate from a shop floor - which is actually quite gross now I think about it. I've never really forgotten it, I mean don't get me wrong, I don't lie awake tossing and turning, feeling years of guilt and shame over a chocolate bar, but I do remember it. And the problem is, sin doesn't let you forget, most of the time. Although I've never spent days on end seeking forgiveness for the the chocolate bar, I have spent days of feeling particularly guilty and ashamed of other stuff - really boring, mediocre things that to me seem like the biggest deal ever and make me the worst human alive, even though I've sought and received forgiveness.
   Sin is from the devil, we know that - it's kind of obvious & with sin comes guilt and shame. One of the reasons we know we have done wrong is the guilt we feel. It's not our fault, we live in a world where people getting their own back is a given (there was a flipping show about it when I was a child...). People strive to take revenge on the wrongdoings of others - even once the said person has apologised. It is obvious we would feel guilt. But this isn't what God wants for us, this bondage of guilt and shame is something God wants us to break out of. Our unhealthy relationship with sin and shame is slowly but surely hindering our relationship with God and how close we can be with him. We need to ensure that we break out of this cycle of feeling this way, we can't live our lives being ruled by sin. In some cases we feel as if we can never be forgiven - as if our sin is too great and too dirty to be forgiven - these are sins nobody knows about, we sometimes push them to the front of our mind as soon as anyone talks about sin - you probably have it in your mind now. Know that once you have sought forgiveness, forgiveness is given. 'As far as the East is from the West, so has He removed our transgressions from us' (Psalm 103:12). Jesus died on the cross for our sins, every sin was nailed with Him. He didn't only die, He rose again, He overcame the biggest hurdle. He made a way so that we may have life and have it to the fullest. Your sin no longer defines you. To protect yourself however from the trap of a cycle of sin (sin we seemingly can't escape) we need to pray for breakthrough and pray that Jesus will offer us protection as well as being able to break down the walls of sin and wrong doing that we have built. If Christ can overcome death, He can overcome sin.
     Guilt is a horrendous experience, it keeps us awake at night and makes it difficult to want to get close to God. It becomes part of our every day life and hinders us from truly living. But we know this is not the way we should live our lives. We shouldn't be ruled by this great thing which really has no power. Christ has forgiven us, redeemed us and set us free. Guilt is of the devil - he strives to make it as difficult as possible for us to get into an intimate relationship with God, he lies to us and manipulates situations in order to make us fear and feel shame, but this shouldn't be the case. God loves us and is so merciful that the enemy HAS been defeated, therefore sin has been defeated - it no longer has any power. Once the slate is wiped clean, it is wiped clean. There is power in the name of Jesus, to break EVERY chain. Jesus is the only one who has the power and authority to judge, yet he forgives us. His grace is never ending and His love in never failing. He delights in you, His merciful power taking control of you. Know freedom, know forgiveness.

Blessings
May
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