Sorry I'm not Jane Austen

I stand there on the moors, the biting wind eating away at my raw, naked hands. My hair falls around me, wild and free. I look out across the vast emptiness of the grey landscape. A lone tree grows in the distance - leaves have fallen around the trunk, dead and lifeless, standing there, stark and empty. His arms come around me, and I feel his warmth. I love him, his rugged good looks, his silent demeanour and his quick temper. It seemed crazy that I could fall in love with him, lowly stable boy. I couldn't deny my love, it was exciting yet comforting. I found myself falling for him every time I saw him. I turned to him, our lips meeting.

STOP! Sorry, this is not an Austen novel. The heroes of the Bronte sisters do not exist in the real world. No Heathcliff or Mr Darcy will come and sweep you off your feet - that just doesn't happen. We live in a world that craves love. The Beatles wrote songs about it, Marilyn Monroe starred in films about it and John Keats wrote poems about it. Love is pretty much everywhere - so it's understandable that we want to fall in love - to have a taster of what they all speak about, this thing called love. But it's tough, it's a difficult process to get into a relationship that glorifies God. So, how can we, as Christians get into a loving relationship that is Christ centred? 

    There's a lot of pressure for Christians to get into relationships - we are bombarded with questions as soon as we become friends with someone of the opposite sex. If we're still single at 20 people start telling us that it's okay to be single - after all Jesus was. Sometimes we get into relationships and we struggle to make sure God is the centre of it. Personally I find myself looking at other people's relationships, thinking how Godly they are, how they never have any trouble, how ideal their relationships are. So how are we able to make sure we have relationships that are God-filled and who is the right person for us?

You and God

Before anything though you need to sort it with God - this is clearly the most important relationship you're even going to have. You cannot go into a relationship without prayer - like most big decisions we make, to have a clear head about it. With prayer you are able to prepare yourself and prepare your heart for the relationship you are going into. This means that the relationship you are in will be God-driven. You cannot expect the other person to pull you upward in your faith, because at the end of the day when one of you is weaker - and not doing anything about it - it will drag the other down. Being mature in your faith is key before going into a relationship. You are able to offer great support as well as ensuring your relationship is Godly. 

     Another key step of a relationship is not looking for it. It's a cliché - but it's a cliché that we should all listen to. When we search for a relationship we struggle in being happy with one. We settle for the first thing that comes along , we don't wait to find the person that God wants us to have - this is damaging. You leave yourself disappointed and lost. We put importance in the person as opposed to putting it in God. Instead of focussing yourself of finding a relationship, give it to God. Allow yourself to fall in love with God all over again. If someone wants to find you, they'll go to God - you should be so in love with Him. He is your first true love.

It's all in the heart.

As humans we look on the outside first - obviously. We're not going to want a chocolate cake if it looks disgusting. I'm not going to pretend we don't live in a world where looks don't matter, of course they do. Christians aren't any different. We don't have some power that means that we can see if somebody has a great personality or not, we struggle as much as everyone else. So how do we find 'the one' (I cringed myself as I wrote that, don't worry, we're all cringing together)? 

    We mustn't all look for the same thing. Everyone has an ideal person in their mind; guitar playing, floppy haired, pastors son (just to name a few of my own), but this does not mean that this is necessarily the right person for you. I believe that God does fulfil our desires - but sometimes what we think is right for us isn't always the case. When I came to university I loved the idea of single Christian men. I was from a rather small church with hardly any boys my age, so going to a university with tonnes of Christian boys - excited doesn't cover it.  But now I have a boyfriend and he's not from my university. This doesn't mean that the boys from university aren't good enough for my, or aren't Godly enough. It just means they're not for me, not who God has planned for me. We may be alongside other Christians - but it's not always the case that they're ideal for us for romantic relationships. (God gives us people who we can have alongside us in platonic ways - these will help us grow too). My friend once described boys as a notebook; When you want a notebook you go into a shop to get one, there are many different types of notebook - all beautiful and attractive, however, there is only really one that suits us. This does not mean that the remaining notebooks aren't attractive - they're just not your type.

      One of the most key aspects of finding 'the one' (sorry) is their relationship with God. A person should be so in love with God, their heart only for Him, that you have to go to God to find it. God should always be the centre of your relationship, so when you're looking for the other person, God should be the one who you go through to find them. A person's spirit should become the main attraction - easier said then done. It kind of helps that I met my boyfriend at a Christian event, but the fact is one of the main attractions should be the persons spirituality. We should look further than the outward appearance - don't judge a book by its cover and all that. Look into the heart of a person, get to know them. Pray about it. When you pray into a relationship you are able to get the most out of it, it also enables you to make sure God remains the centre of it. Your relationship becomes a God-given relationship.

Mistakes can happen!

Relationships are great - but we sometimes trick ourselves into thinking that they have to be perfect all of the time. This is not the case (sorry Chris!). Relationships take work, it's not going to be easy, they take sacrifice and commitment. Just because you struggle a little in your relationship does not mean that it's not worth it. Relationships take time, you are getting to know each other as well as learning how to be in love. You've stopped becoming just one person, caring for yourself - but you now have somebody else to care about. Allow them to make mistakes but at the same time offer them sacrifice - give them a chance! It's okay to argue, it doesn't mean you're going to break up. Arguments happen, but with prayer and petition you are able to get through them. Be your own person, with your own faith - do not let your own faith be compromised by the relationship. Stay strong in what you believe and your relationship with God.

    Keep God centre - remember Him in all you do. This reminder stops from sexual immorality and also enables us to look to God throughout the relationship. Making God centre - a relationship becoming a three stranded chord; 'A chord of three strands is not quickly broken' (Ecclesiastes 4:22).  When God is centre it's easier for the relationship to move forward as well as strengthening the faith of both people. Keep on praying and keep Him in your heart, try not to lose Him in the relationship. Let God guide your relationship.

I may not know everything about relationships, in fact I know I don't know everything - but that was a little insight into what I think a relationship should have. Not all relationships are the same but God is the same, yesterday, today and forever. 

Blessings.

May.

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How about a Christian coffee?

I remember when the first Christian boy asked me out for a coffee. Oh my life, I was excited! It's a well known fact that a Christian date is a coffee. Christians everywhere meet up in quirky coffee shops, drinking fair trade coffee out of colourful mugs with their future husbands/wives whilst a totally Christian-friendly singer strums a few chords on an acoustic guitar. Such a Christian cliche, I was looking forward to it. I donned my skinny jeans, TOMs and baggy t-shirt, pure Christian chic. I had my nose pierced (edgy), which made me really look like a Christian who knew how to have fun (but not too much fun, my nose piercing was a stud - don't want to seem to rebellious and go for a hoop - IMAGINE) I walked into the crowded coffee house and saw my man here, reading a Francis Chan book and cross referencing to his well thumbed Bible. I looked at myself in the reflective glass (I didn't go with that much make-up, I wanted to emulate Ruth not Hagar) and made my way over. Sitting down opposite him he looked up, quiffed hair looking flawless. His chequed shirt looked great on him and I could see his guitar next to him (just in case music just came to him). He smiled at me and asked what I wanted - a standard coffee, with just milk.  Very Christian.  I knew he was going to fall in love with me right there and then. As he came back and we sat and chatted I spoke about how epic God was and how I felt Hillsong's latest album had really affected me, spiritually. I spoke about how I felt like Esther, how I loved God and how I loved praying. He smiled as I spoke and took my hand...I then woke up.

I don't think I've ever been on an actual coffee date, I've met up with people for coffee and my boyfriend Chris and I go for coffee, but I've never done the hipster boy meets girl over Bible reading in coffee shop. Maybe I missed out? Maybe not. From a young age I wanted to get married. I'd be the one who'd suggest playing kiss-chase in the playground, I'd also be the one who stood still waiting for the boys to 'catch me', I had an imaginary boyfriend at quite a young age (to be honest I think that says more about me than anyone else), I'd jump at any chance to meet Christian boys and truly felt God was calling me to get married as soon as I was legally able to. Surprisingly I didn't date all that much, well no serious dates. At the time I was convinced I was going to marry anyone who prayed over me. Then I was old enough to go to Soul Survivor. Oh how a new world how been opened up to me, there weren't just boys from the churches in our city, but from all over. Floppy haired, chequed shirt wearing, guitar playing, Jesus loving boys.
    I'm embarrassed when I think back now on how much of a cringe I was when I met Christian boys. I'd decide that God wouldn't have put them in my life unless He wanted me to marry them - that makes sense? I couldn't see how I was meant to have male friends or how that would have ever worked. I do believe God does provide you with your heart's desires, so for me this was a husband, but I definitely was looking for it in all the wrong places. I started misreading signals from boys and 'falling in love' with worship leaders at various Christian conferences. I don't feel I was ever taught the true value of friendship in some ways. I feel like I missed out a lot as a teenager because of this. I didn't really know that Christian boys and girls can be friends without there being anything in it. I've learnt that now.
     Christian friendships are truly precious. They are the kind of friendships that we should cherish. Being friends with someone of the same sex is vital for our spiritual development - we need to be alongside people who are similar to us (as a girl who is more similar to you than another girl?), who can hurt for us and love us no matter what - getting alongside people of the opposite sex isn't enough. No matter how much you think you don't need people of the same sex as your friends, you do - believe me, a time will come when you realise this. But being friends with people of the opposite sex is incredible too, having a true and platonic friendship with them is a desire we should all seek. I know that I have boys in my life who I adore in a totally platonic way, true men of God who are strong and powerful, who challenge and encourage me. They are my brothers in Christ - I do not seem them in any way other than this. Being a girl and having boy friends is key to my own development and understanding. I have a boyfriend who I love and I have friends who are platonic. There's a massive difference. These friendships are true, wholesome and totally brotherly. I adore it. I know the annoyance first-hand of fellow Christians questioning the relationship between you and someone else - it's annoying and it should stop. But in order to do that you need to keep the friendship clean and platonic. Do not flirt with the idea of a possible relationship if you don't want it. Encourage each other like you would a brother for that is the strongest bond.
      The Bible teaches us on the importance of fellowship - it is vital. Not every Christian boy I meet is going to be my boyfriend, but there will be boys who will become my brothers. We need to ensure that we encourage this - more relationships between boys and girls that are clean cut and innocent. Friendships help build people up and having someone of the opposite sex is so handy for that.
'A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity' (Proverbs 17:17)

Make brothers and sisters in Christ - we don't need to all marry the first Christian boy that shows interest in us. Relationships are great, but friendships are the real deal - a true brother loving relationship which nurtures and helps. A lasting friendship that can be done over coffee.

Blessings.
May
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