Hello blogger, my old friend

Hello friends, it's been a while.

Two very big things have happened to me in the past few months. I shall start with the most recent; I got engaged! 💍💍💍 Yes, I am super super excited and I could dedicate a whole post to it but that can be for another time/if people actually care about it (I really don't want to bombard people with all that stuff - especially because as Christians we seem obsessed with people getting married (I mean the amount of questions and worrying looks I've been getting in the last year because I'm 22, in a committed relationship and not married - I mean oh my goodness)). [DISCLAIMER: Marriage is going to be amazing and God-filled and something I believe, for me, God wants. But it is not for everyone. Fellowship is for everyone, marriage doesn't have to be.]

The other thing is incredible, something that I don't think I would ever really be able to talk about this (which makes me sound like a really class Christian), but I have been set free, set free from a life of anxiety and worry.

The last time I blogged I spoke a lot about mental health and the church, this is something that is very dear to me. For over five years I have suferred from severe anxiety. Back then, when I was 16 I would worry about what people would think of me, exams and boys.  When I got to university it became worse (this time I was dealing with guilt - especially if I wasnt focused in God at that particular time of my life), but still I would worry about exams and what people would think of me. Now, since leaving university my anxiety has become focused on my health and focusing/obsessing of things Ive done in the past. I would constantly go up for prayer at church or events in order to be healed from this. But nothing would happen (I would have to do that super awkward smile when someone eagerly waits for you to say you feel great, but you don't).  So, I know what it's like to feel almost as if nothing is working and like you're abandoned.
    So safe to stay after over five years of struggling with anxiety I almost had given up. I've read loads of blog posts, bought books, listened to sermons and still it wasnt stopping. In fact it felt as if my anxiety had gotten worse. I would have days when I wouldn't be able to get out of bed, or I would have to leave rooms if my anxiety had gotten so bad. I found it very difficult to look to God, I couldn't pray as my mind wouldn't focus because anytime I tried to empty my mind I would worry and obsess and remember that really stupid thing I did six months ago and wonder why that man was looking at me so strangely on the bus and OH MY GOODNESS WHAT IS THAT LUMP...Yeah safe to say, I was NOT in a good place.
        It was at this point I decided to go home, I didn't go for any reason, just wanted some free food for a bit. As a family we went to a church event. It was a pretty good service (I mean, they had a buffet at the end - and like I said, I'm about the free food). I cant remember exactly what the sermon was about (how bad is that), but at the end they did a call for prayer. Again, it wasn't anything specific and most people were worshipping/starting the queue for the buffet, but I decided to go up for prayer. Two ladies prayed for me and I didnt really feel any different, just really calm. As I left the event I wasn't anxious or worried (which was huge because right up to this I had felt dreadful). i was able to laugh and actually, strangely, breathe properly (so cliche - but so true).  The anxiety I had been overwhelmedmwith for years had gone. I was free.

From then till now I have had this amazing sense of freedom and peace. It is incredible. It also has come at the perfect time. I have learnt to trust in God and His timing. Knowing His word does stand firm and does stand against my circumstance.

I know how frustrating it is to feel alone, to feel as if prayer isnt working. Anxiety is a lonely place. The ability anxiety has to cut you off from the rest of the world is astounding, the ability it has to make you sound stupid, constantly repeating yourself, worrying about little things...I get it. Through Christ, through prayer and through His timing I am free.

Just a wee testimony to say i am back and will be trying to blog more, sorry ive been rubbish!

blessings xx

The struggle is real. (Part 2) - So what can we do?

So, as we saw in the last blog I can totally ramble far too much, I promise you I will try not to do that for this one..

We can all suffer from poor mental health. It doesn't matter who you are, rich or poor, pastor or congregation, man or woman - mental illness is something that is very real and very prominent right now. So how, as the church can we make a difference?

• Don't act like Christians are immune from having poor mental health.

It's simple, as Christians we are not immune from having a mental illness. Yes, having Jesus does help - we know a God who is all loving, who is the all-seeing father and redeemer of all, but it doesn't mean that we are never going to suffer from poor mental health. Just like as Christians we are not immune from getting cancer - yes, we have Jesus so with that we have hope but that does not offer us complete immunity. The problem with mental health is that nobody can see it. It's so easy to put on a smile and crack a few jokes, but nobody can really see what's going on (it's also very difficult to explain, especially to people who may not understand). As Christians we need to accept that it's an illness therefore it needs the same attention any other illness would get. Once we begin to accept that everyone, including ourselves, can be affected by this we are able to work toward a more accepting place for sufferers to come to in order to find safety and sanctuary.

       In addition to this, we need to be totally honest. If you are in a position where you are able to talk about it, talk about mental health, then do so. Allow people to know that they aren't alone, as well as having Jesus, they have their brothers and sisters around them who know exactly how they feel. Once we begin to admit that we too can and have suffered from mental health but yet we have a hope - we may not be cured, we may not be able to cure you. But Jesus can heal and Jesus can give hope. 

• Allow people to know that a church is a place of safety and sanctuary.

As I mentioned, poor mental heath is an illness, so we need to make sure we treat it like that. If one of our brothers/sisters came into church after a cancer diagnosis they would be welcomed with open arms, tears of sympathy, hands on prayer and endless offers of lunch/coffee meet ups. We wouldn't just whisper about their condition, put them at the end of your prayer list and be done with it, so why should we do this with mental illness. We need to begin to treat church as a place that people come to when they're weary, when they need to be uplifted, a place where the mentally ill can come to feel accepted and loved. If you know if somebody is suffering, be it from having a bad day, a bad week, poor mental health etc. then take the time to pray with them, offer to take them out, ask them how things are going, cook for them, allow them to cry on you - be  there for them. (Also, a great thing to do is educate yourself! Try looking up information on mental health & the churches attitudes toward it (as well as what the Bible says about it)). If you put an effort into something like that, making an effort to get to know the illness they're suffering from then you can approach it with a knowledge - as well as getting the Biblical knowledge to back it up with too, it could honestly help change someone's life. To know that there are people who are willing to pray with you, not just tell you to pray, or put you on their prayer list is incredible. Jesus answers prayers and He has set us free, so why not proclaim that for the people who crave freedom the most.

• Don't hate on medication - it does work!

So many people stay away from medication, I did it (mainly for health reasons), but if the doctor is telling you to go on medication, then you probably should! Jesus does heal, but He also gave the doctors skills to be able to create the medication needed. He also can work through the doctors in the treatments you have offered to you (such as CBT etc.). It still can be totally Jesus, but just through different means than you think.

• Together, we can start ending the shame!!

No longer should we live in a world where we are ashamed to talk about mental health - but more than too eager to talk openly about sex. Lets get rid of the stigma from a Christian perspective. As a church we should be able to be the first place that ends the stigma, we should be the place where people go first - where they want to go to find freedom. We are Jesus' hands and feet and we are made to go to the dark places, we are being prepared for battle - this doesn't just mean a worldly battle that we  have to fight, but also in mental health. We can fight to change the way that we look at mental health as a group of people, as Jesus' disciples we can learn to be more accepting and loving of those who have been cast out. Open your arms, eyes, hearts and prayers to those most in need and understand just what is needed.

We as a church are to work together to end  the stigmatization of mental illness, to allow people to know and understand the true heart of Jesus and what it means to have hope and freedom. 

Blessings 

May

*Disclaimer: Just like to add, I 100% know God is a healing God, but I also know that He does it in His timing, so sometimes, when the timing doesn't make sense to us, we struggle to see it. God totally does heal mental illness and set the captive free, but we must work toward making the church a place for those who suffer most.

I enjoyed morphine too much

I used to try and get off going to school as much as I could as a child. I would always pretend I was sick to not go in, and to be honest it worked a lot of the time. I don't know when I started 'being ill' all the time, but I was a fast learner. I realised that being ill the morning of school wasn't enough. So I started really plotting, really committing to being ill. I'd start the night before (genius, I know), I'd time it perfectly - as soon as I knew my mum was coming through the door I'd lie pathetically on the sofa (or, for real illness perfection and real commitment, on my bed). My mum would come in and shout 'hi', a weak and feeble 'hello' greeted her back as I groaned in 'agony', (usually at this point I would've moaned about how ill I was to my sister, who was usually overly sympathetic - thank-you Grace (laying the foundations early on)). My mum would then come in and check on me. If I was downstairs, she'd make me go to bed, I would climb the stairs - slowly, heavy breathing all the time. I'd stay in my room for the evening, when dinner was called I'd pretend to be asleep (please note: before any of this took place I'd gage the situation - what dinner would be). If they came to check on me I'd close my eyes, facing the door (surely if I was faking it I wouldn't be so fearless as to face the door). I'd then go to sleep - waking the next morning, a little earlier than usual (very unlike me). I'd go downstairs, clutching my stomach and tell my mum and dad how unwell I felt..this usually was the clincher - my mum would look at my dad and my dad at my mum and they'd tell me to go back to bed - I was too ill for school. It took all the energy within me to not jump up and down with great joy. I'd go to bed smiling (luckily, due to early waking up I was able to go back to sleep - the signs of a true illness). On other days my mum would say the immortal words of; 'Go and have a shower and see how you feel'.  No words have disappointed me more.
       I was never really sick, I just couldn't be bothered with school. I'm not sure whether my parents knew that or not - or maybe acting is really my forte. But I never really had that much of an illness - I was really lucky. Last year however I got sick, nothing serious, it was glandular fever (most people gasp at that, but I can't help feeling it sounds wonderfully romantic and Victorian). I got it during the summer holiday from uni - a week before my sister's wedding. However, I wasn't diagnosed till about three weeks later. I'm pretty sure my parents thought I was faking it (all too used to my school days of 'being ill'), but I was genuinely really sick. I was hospitalised (sorry for how dramatic that sounds) a few days after my sister got married and kept in for a week - they didn't know what it was. I can't really remember much of being in hospital (except a nurse kept singing 'Rose garden' and I had some hilarious moments due to morphine). I then went to stay with a really kind and Godly lady from church - she looked after me and I was really grateful (and still am). I was told I'd have to probably defer second year at university and go home. I prayed hard for healing and my parents had people at their church praying too. I couldn't bear not going into second year. Guess what? Prayer worked. I was better (I still had a lot of pain in my liver, but was able to carry on university), I went into second year. I was properly ill, like bed-bound ill for around 7 weeks - glandular fever usually takes months to clear.  God had worked in me and healed me from the inside out.
     One of the most poignant times of my illness was when I was woken up with the sun burning down on me - I woke up, feeling quite woozy, but as the wooziness subsided I waited for the nauseating pain of the glandular fever to set it - it didn't come. I still had the dull ache in my liver, but I could live with that. I felt better. Later that day I phoned my parents telling them how much better I felt. They were stunned and told me that one of the men in church had prayed for the sun to shine on me and for me to be healed. Amen. How great is our God?! Throughout the time of my illness, and a little bit after I prayed and worshipped God - I spent hours waiting on Him and worshipping His name - at the time it was all I could do. He strengthened me in so many ways and appeared to me. He may not have healed me straight away but the work that He did in me has made a lasting difference. I now love God with all my heart, I've seen His miracles first hand and know how great He is. He may not have healed me, but He was doing something.

God may not heal straight away, but He has the power to do so. When we're waiting on God we learn so much. A part I failed to mention was how much I needed to see God at that point in my life. I'd had a dodgy year and had been away from God. God could've healed me straight away - that would've been great, but He worked in me when I needed Him to, I don't think I would've rested on God and waited on Him as much if I had returned to full health straight away. He strengthened me when I was weak. God works like that. He knows the best plan for us. He can heal, He is a healing God who lovingly restores what needs to be restored. At the time of my illness, my faith needed restoration more than my body did. In the end He healed me, but He made sure my faith was healed. Even if God doesn't heal you, He has the power to do so. Some great people have not been healed, they continue to pray, or, in some cases, have lost the battle - but their faith and belief in God has endured and His name is victorious. God does everything for a purpose.

'O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me' (Psalm 30:2)

Blessings.
May
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