Hello blogger, my old friend

Hello friends, it's been a while.

Two very big things have happened to me in the past few months. I shall start with the most recent; I got engaged! 💍💍💍 Yes, I am super super excited and I could dedicate a whole post to it but that can be for another time/if people actually care about it (I really don't want to bombard people with all that stuff - especially because as Christians we seem obsessed with people getting married (I mean the amount of questions and worrying looks I've been getting in the last year because I'm 22, in a committed relationship and not married - I mean oh my goodness)). [DISCLAIMER: Marriage is going to be amazing and God-filled and something I believe, for me, God wants. But it is not for everyone. Fellowship is for everyone, marriage doesn't have to be.]

The other thing is incredible, something that I don't think I would ever really be able to talk about this (which makes me sound like a really class Christian), but I have been set free, set free from a life of anxiety and worry.

The last time I blogged I spoke a lot about mental health and the church, this is something that is very dear to me. For over five years I have suferred from severe anxiety. Back then, when I was 16 I would worry about what people would think of me, exams and boys.  When I got to university it became worse (this time I was dealing with guilt - especially if I wasnt focused in God at that particular time of my life), but still I would worry about exams and what people would think of me. Now, since leaving university my anxiety has become focused on my health and focusing/obsessing of things Ive done in the past. I would constantly go up for prayer at church or events in order to be healed from this. But nothing would happen (I would have to do that super awkward smile when someone eagerly waits for you to say you feel great, but you don't).  So, I know what it's like to feel almost as if nothing is working and like you're abandoned.
    So safe to stay after over five years of struggling with anxiety I almost had given up. I've read loads of blog posts, bought books, listened to sermons and still it wasnt stopping. In fact it felt as if my anxiety had gotten worse. I would have days when I wouldn't be able to get out of bed, or I would have to leave rooms if my anxiety had gotten so bad. I found it very difficult to look to God, I couldn't pray as my mind wouldn't focus because anytime I tried to empty my mind I would worry and obsess and remember that really stupid thing I did six months ago and wonder why that man was looking at me so strangely on the bus and OH MY GOODNESS WHAT IS THAT LUMP...Yeah safe to say, I was NOT in a good place.
        It was at this point I decided to go home, I didn't go for any reason, just wanted some free food for a bit. As a family we went to a church event. It was a pretty good service (I mean, they had a buffet at the end - and like I said, I'm about the free food). I cant remember exactly what the sermon was about (how bad is that), but at the end they did a call for prayer. Again, it wasn't anything specific and most people were worshipping/starting the queue for the buffet, but I decided to go up for prayer. Two ladies prayed for me and I didnt really feel any different, just really calm. As I left the event I wasn't anxious or worried (which was huge because right up to this I had felt dreadful). i was able to laugh and actually, strangely, breathe properly (so cliche - but so true).  The anxiety I had been overwhelmedmwith for years had gone. I was free.

From then till now I have had this amazing sense of freedom and peace. It is incredible. It also has come at the perfect time. I have learnt to trust in God and His timing. Knowing His word does stand firm and does stand against my circumstance.

I know how frustrating it is to feel alone, to feel as if prayer isnt working. Anxiety is a lonely place. The ability anxiety has to cut you off from the rest of the world is astounding, the ability it has to make you sound stupid, constantly repeating yourself, worrying about little things...I get it. Through Christ, through prayer and through His timing I am free.

Just a wee testimony to say i am back and will be trying to blog more, sorry ive been rubbish!

blessings xx

The struggle is real. (Part 2) - So what can we do?

So, as we saw in the last blog I can totally ramble far too much, I promise you I will try not to do that for this one..

We can all suffer from poor mental health. It doesn't matter who you are, rich or poor, pastor or congregation, man or woman - mental illness is something that is very real and very prominent right now. So how, as the church can we make a difference?

• Don't act like Christians are immune from having poor mental health.

It's simple, as Christians we are not immune from having a mental illness. Yes, having Jesus does help - we know a God who is all loving, who is the all-seeing father and redeemer of all, but it doesn't mean that we are never going to suffer from poor mental health. Just like as Christians we are not immune from getting cancer - yes, we have Jesus so with that we have hope but that does not offer us complete immunity. The problem with mental health is that nobody can see it. It's so easy to put on a smile and crack a few jokes, but nobody can really see what's going on (it's also very difficult to explain, especially to people who may not understand). As Christians we need to accept that it's an illness therefore it needs the same attention any other illness would get. Once we begin to accept that everyone, including ourselves, can be affected by this we are able to work toward a more accepting place for sufferers to come to in order to find safety and sanctuary.

       In addition to this, we need to be totally honest. If you are in a position where you are able to talk about it, talk about mental health, then do so. Allow people to know that they aren't alone, as well as having Jesus, they have their brothers and sisters around them who know exactly how they feel. Once we begin to admit that we too can and have suffered from mental health but yet we have a hope - we may not be cured, we may not be able to cure you. But Jesus can heal and Jesus can give hope. 

• Allow people to know that a church is a place of safety and sanctuary.

As I mentioned, poor mental heath is an illness, so we need to make sure we treat it like that. If one of our brothers/sisters came into church after a cancer diagnosis they would be welcomed with open arms, tears of sympathy, hands on prayer and endless offers of lunch/coffee meet ups. We wouldn't just whisper about their condition, put them at the end of your prayer list and be done with it, so why should we do this with mental illness. We need to begin to treat church as a place that people come to when they're weary, when they need to be uplifted, a place where the mentally ill can come to feel accepted and loved. If you know if somebody is suffering, be it from having a bad day, a bad week, poor mental health etc. then take the time to pray with them, offer to take them out, ask them how things are going, cook for them, allow them to cry on you - be  there for them. (Also, a great thing to do is educate yourself! Try looking up information on mental health & the churches attitudes toward it (as well as what the Bible says about it)). If you put an effort into something like that, making an effort to get to know the illness they're suffering from then you can approach it with a knowledge - as well as getting the Biblical knowledge to back it up with too, it could honestly help change someone's life. To know that there are people who are willing to pray with you, not just tell you to pray, or put you on their prayer list is incredible. Jesus answers prayers and He has set us free, so why not proclaim that for the people who crave freedom the most.

• Don't hate on medication - it does work!

So many people stay away from medication, I did it (mainly for health reasons), but if the doctor is telling you to go on medication, then you probably should! Jesus does heal, but He also gave the doctors skills to be able to create the medication needed. He also can work through the doctors in the treatments you have offered to you (such as CBT etc.). It still can be totally Jesus, but just through different means than you think.

• Together, we can start ending the shame!!

No longer should we live in a world where we are ashamed to talk about mental health - but more than too eager to talk openly about sex. Lets get rid of the stigma from a Christian perspective. As a church we should be able to be the first place that ends the stigma, we should be the place where people go first - where they want to go to find freedom. We are Jesus' hands and feet and we are made to go to the dark places, we are being prepared for battle - this doesn't just mean a worldly battle that we  have to fight, but also in mental health. We can fight to change the way that we look at mental health as a group of people, as Jesus' disciples we can learn to be more accepting and loving of those who have been cast out. Open your arms, eyes, hearts and prayers to those most in need and understand just what is needed.

We as a church are to work together to end  the stigmatization of mental illness, to allow people to know and understand the true heart of Jesus and what it means to have hope and freedom. 

Blessings 

May

*Disclaimer: Just like to add, I 100% know God is a healing God, but I also know that He does it in His timing, so sometimes, when the timing doesn't make sense to us, we struggle to see it. God totally does heal mental illness and set the captive free, but we must work toward making the church a place for those who suffer most.

The struggle is real (Part 1)- Let me explain..

*Disclaimer: This is a really jumbled up blog. I'm basically typing and publishing. I'm thinking about what I'm writing, but just putting it down as I'm thinking it - I don't really want to sugar coat it/make it make proper sense because I'm worried it'll not be what I actually want to write (does that even make sense?!) I promise the next blog will be clearer and more concise! Lots of love.

Mental illness seems to be talked about more now than ever before. I have briefly spoken about it in a previous blog, but it seems to be that it is becoming more and more of an issue. I think it's something like 1 in 4 people have a diagnosed mental illness. But 1 in 1 people have mental health. This statistic doesn't mean that you will never be affect, that only a certain amount of people will ever be affected by it. Mental illness affects us all, it should be talked about more. It is an illness, we shouldn't shy away from calling it that. We shouldn't fob it off as having an 'off day', or that it's our own fault or we aren't doing something right, we need to stop pretending that you'll be all okay when you're 100% on fire for God, because in reality hearing those things suck. People constantly telling you to just 'pray about it' (and that being the only piece of advice) doesn't help. Sometimes 'just praying about it' isn't as easy as you think, it's a struggle to focus at the best of times, but when your mental health is bad it's made all the more difficult. As a Christian being able to admit that I struggle with my mental health is something that I have feared for almost three years. It seems crazy that in a world where we can talk about pretty much anything we still want to hide away from speaking about something that we all, at one point in our life, be it directly or not, will be affected by.
    In my life I have worked closely with people who suffer from mental health conditions, from severe and debilitating bipolar to general anxiety disorder (GAD), I have seen a wide range of different mental health problems that are really having an affect on the people who suffer from them. Not only are they tormented by a constant drowning sensation, but they are also cast out by society. Mental illness still has a bad name, a stigma that we relate to the asylums that we see on history programmes, but how are we to break away from that? How can we, as Christians, offer people who suffer from a mental illness - no matter how severe a place to know that they are safe? A place of sanctuary and hope that people constantly crave.
    I am more than aware of how difficult it is to understand mental health, through working at it on a professional level/volunteering at my church with young adults as well as suffering with anxiety/depression myself. It's not an easy thing to admit (even as I am writing this I'm questioning whether or not to publish it). Depression isn't how it looks like on TV, it isn't all about crying and emotional breakdowns (that can totally happen), but it's also about the huge lack of motivation. Imagine waking up every morning, still exhausted, not even wanting to talk to the people you live with through no fault of their own. Imagine catching your reflection in the mirror and honestly loathing everything about it. Imagine not even bothering to eat because you don't see the point in it. That's only half of what depression can be like, it's an endless void that controls every part of your life. Then, in addition to that imagine not being able to sleep due to being so worried about the next day or reliving a conversation that you had where you may or may not have said something wrong. Imagine being slightly ill, and imagining its something far worse (& then googling the symptoms which makes things ten times worse).  Again, this is exhausting and requires a lot of thought, which needs motivation, so having anxiety and depression combined is probably one of the most exhausting experiences I've ever had. I sometimes struggle to be able to just pray about it, especially if I am feeling very anxious. I struggle to put my mind on something that means I have to just let go - sometimes, as stupid as it sounds - I don't want to. I am in the comfort of my anxiety, like a weird safety blanket. (Oh, and by the way - I am more than well aware that my mental health improves when I'm praying to when I'm not praying, but no way does it disappear. Also, prayer definitely does help!)
     I don't think the above description will give mental health problems any justice - honestly, it's binding. I struggle with it on quite a mild level really, I can still cope. I don't take tablets for it (it has been offered & I have in the past but due to the effect it had on my body I decided to not take them anymore). Mental illness is destructive, it craves to destroy the people it has hold of, therefore in a world that is so ashamed of mental health we should be a place, a people who have our arms open to the people poor mental health really affects. I feel we need to  become the place where we don't just tell people to pray about it and they'll be healed instantly, or the reason for the poor mental health is a lack of joy...we need to be a place where mental health is accepted and a place where people know to go to find freedom that only Jesus can offer.

This is only part one of a few/couple (of) posts. I will be writing more as I pray into this particular subject. This part was more of a testimony/ramble! So sorry if it was a bit rambly and muddled up in a few places - I was just typing as I thought it out!

Blessings
May

No longer a slave to fear

Slavery comes in different ways, from the physical shackles that prevent people from running away, to the bondage of our hearts when we are held captive by our own fears. Either way, whatever the things that hold us and debilitate us the effect is still the same. We are held back from being everything that God wants us to be. 

   When Jesus died on the cross He died for us, He died to set the captive free. That doesn't just end at those who are actual slaves for other people (those trafficked and treated unfairly), but it also counts and expands for those who are slaves to fear, guilt, anxiety, depression, inadequacy, lust, heartbreak...the list goes on, it is endless. But in Jesus name we are set free from the chains that have held us.

    I know that it is a lot easier to hear than to live out. We struggle with these things daily and other people just don't understand exactly what you're going through, which is potentially true. Everyone's journey is their own, but we all have one thing in common - Jesus Christ came to die for us and our sins. He died for our freedom, so that our fears and anxieties no longer define us.

     I have struggled over the past few years with crippling anxiety. It has become part of my life, where actually I feel empty without worrying about something. I become obsessed with little things, something wrong I might have said in a conversation, things I've done wrong in the past, the way people view me. This was made worse when I was taken ill with glandular fever, although I was healed and I encountered God in a new and exciting way the lasting effects of glandular fever have not only ruined my body, but also my mind. It is known as Post Viral Depression and although I don't see it necessarily as depression and I struggle with being diagnosed with something like that it is something that is now part of my life. I have had days where I'm too full of anxiety that I don't want to get out of bed, I struggle to eat and I begin to obsess. It's exhausting.

     But I know freedom. I know Christs revitilising hand and loving heart that has re-energised me and shown me transcendent love. There is no fear in love. I know that I have not been made to have a heart of fear, the bondage of anxiety does not hold me back. The chains that prevent me from fulfilling my potentially do not have power of any sort. In Jesus name I am free from judgement, free from guilt, free from fear. Fear is no longer my slave master.

    I'm not saying that I have total freedom. I relapse into anxious thinking more often than not. Usually if I don't have my mind focussed on God (actually whenever I don't have my mind focussed on God). If I watch things that don't necessarily glorify God (this doesn't have to mean anything over the top, even little comedy programmes that glorify lust, blasphemy, violence), if I speak unjustly about somebody (from gossip to arguing), if I haven't prayed in a while, if I do anything that doesn't glorify God (again this doesn't have to be anything too extreme). All these little attributes can affect my heart and mind toward God. In extreme cases you can become a slave to these things, they begin to dictate your life and you feel ruled by them. Once again, I am no longer a slave.

   For me a way that prevents being a slave not only to the world, but to fears and anxieties is by speaking out the word of God that counteracts anything that the devil is trying to manipulate you with (because let's be honest, that is what's happening). When the devil tries to tell me to feel guilty; 'Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood' (Isaiah 54:4). When the devil tells me I am alone; 'The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves, He will take great delight in you; in His love He will no longer rebuke you; but will rejoice over you with singing' (Zephaniah 3:17). When the devil tells me to look to the world for advice; 'Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings who cannot save' (Psalm 146:3). There are so many, speak them against the lies of the devil. He is known as the deceiver - he will do anything within his power to make you fall, to make you a slave. In Christ you are free.

YOU ARE NO LONGER A SLAVE TO FEAR, BUT A CHILD OF THE LIVING GOD.

Pray freedom and knowledge of God's love over your life. Pray for a breaking of whatever is holding you back, the chains to be uprooted. Take the shackles off your feet so you can dance!

Blessings

May 

Xx

Put on your walking boots

We need to get ready, the walk of faith isn't easy. There will be struggles and pain, but there will also be joyous thanksgiving. But we have to do God's journey to seek out what God wants for us. It may take time, the timing may not be our idea of perfection but know that it is God's perfect timing. There will be many points along the path in order for us to know God on an intimate level and know His plan for our lives.

1)Obedience. One of the most obvious, yet most difficult tasks. We have all (or will all) stop being obedient at some point in our life. We may do it in such a way that we lose complete focus on God or we may just decide not to obey God in the small things. 

    When I was about eighteen (and a bit before) I stopped being obedient. I didn't stop believing in God or not love Him but I decided that I didn't want to be obedient to Him anymore. It took a huge toll on my faith as you can imagine, but in the timing of it I didn't care. It's only now that I can see where disobedience came in and my God fuelled life took a step back. This lack of obedience didn't mean that God loved me any less, He didn't stop and He never will ('For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither Angels nor demons, neither the present or the future, nor any powers, neither height not depth, not anything else in all of creation, will be able to seperate us for the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord' Romans 8:38-39)

Nothing can seperate us from the love of God. But when you are obedient to Him and His word you are able to grow deeper in him, you are able to know your worth and walk in the direction of knowing His plan for your life. I'm not saying that we only stray from obedience once and it's easy to come back into knowing that obedience is the best way forward, disobedience is easy, but damaging. Obedience will help us walk the path that Christ has laid out for us and allow us know true freedom, something that the world and disobedience cannot and will not offer us.

2) Sacrifice. When we look at our brothers and sisters in the Bible we see sacrifice all over the place. One amazing example is that of Abraham's sacrifice of his son. He knew that God wanted this from him the death of his beloved son. So in his obedience he took his son, Isaac (that he had waited so long for) and was willing to sacrifice him. But just at the right moment God stopped him (He is the God of perfect timing). Abraham wasn't to kill his son but a lamb that God supplied for him (sound familiar?). Abraham was willing to make that sacrifice, in his obedience and trusting of God.

    Sometimes we are to sacrifice more than we want. It might be money, time or material possessions (things we really want to hold of). But do we not know that what we sacrifice God will give us immeasurably more! When we sacrifice things to God (& things that really are a sacrifice) we are truly honoured and blessed. He will never give us more than we can handle, even if we think our sacrifice is way out of our league He will provide.

3) Warfare. Spiritual warfare is probably one of the most difficult parts of our walk with Christ. But it is a part of it. We know there is going to be a battle, but where we base our faith is important. We are on the winning side. ('Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's!'  2 Chronicles 20:15). The battle does belong to the Lord, but we are a soldier. With God, where the impossible is made possible how can we fall against a lesser army? When we dress ourself in the armour of the Lord we are winning the battle. With the blood of the lamb & the word of our testimony we can win this battle. It has already been won (spoiler alert: Christ ALWAYS wins). Know that warfare will come, it's not easy, but when we adorn ourselves with the armour of the Lord we are on the way to winning. Be aware and vigilant, the easiest prey for Satan is the weak who do not know it's going on until it becomes overpowering. From Abraham to Matthew spiritual warfare affects those closest to Jesus as well as those who feel distant. We are the winners.

    In Revelation it talks how for a moment Satan will seemingly champion over the saints, but only for a moment. Because a time is coming soon when Christ will come again and reclaim the world from the claws of Satan. Victory is coming!

4)Testing. On our walk of faith we will have many times when God tests our faith. We will struggle to maybe see God in things when the tests get tough, but as I've said before He will not give you more than you can handle. Your test will become your testimony. We struggle and muddle through the rubbish in life, but the strength and power we gain during this time will help us grow and become exactly what God wants us to be.

     One of the biggest tests of God is the timing of things. We struggle to trust in God when things don't happen straight away, that is when we fall. When things seem hazy for a while we struggle to continue to be obedient, we don't want to sacrifice, we can't face the warfare. But know now, God's timing is ideal (look at Abraham and just at the second when he was about to strike his son God stopped him). He knows the plan for your life and He knows when and where things should happen. This test may be the hardest, but once we understand it, we can begin to live in a freedom of knowing that our father knows best. (Disclaimer: it is easier said than done).

5)Confession. When we withold things from God we struggle to get intimacy with Him. Now God is aware of what we do and when we struggle to tell Him things and confess our sins, but the confession is where it's important.

    When you keep something in, it becomes uncomfortable. If it's bad stuff you get iller and iller until you decide you need help (in a physical sense, till you know you need to see a doctor). Keeping it in will not help you, it will hold you back. You won't get better by not seeking help or letting it out that's the only way to feel well again. On a spiritual level when we keep things in, hide things from God we are stopping ourself from knowing freedom. We may be able to still be spiritual but not in the way He intended and not to fulfil the things that He wants us to. We will get stuck on the path as we can't get the freedom and intimacy we need. Do not withold from God. He is a loving forgiving God and as I have mentioned before (but it's always great to be reminded) there is nothing that can seperate us from His love and forgiveness.

6)Look forward. Christ has a plan for each and everyone of us. It's a lot easier to say believe me, but He does. His plans our made for us. Think of the promises that have already been fulfilled - look at the Bible, the promise of a messiah, the promise of Abraham's descendants being starters of the tribes of Israel. We need to know and remind ourself of God's endless promises and goodness. When we take all of the steps of the walk of faith we do we are able to see how God is going to use and bless us. We are to do great things through Christ. Look to the stars and where they are going. Keep looking for those amazing awe-inspiring moments that Christ will do in your life. When we look at the stars we see His promises and the fulfilment that He has already done. A Christ-centered, forward looking life allows us to become all He wants us to be.

Be prepared for the walk, it won't be easy and we will struggle. But Christ is victorious and so are we!

Blessings

May

xx

Living in the victory

It's not difficult to forget that Christ died for us. Or is it? As we face every day struggles we seem to live in the world, have the worries of the world, the weaknesses of the world and the pain of the world. We forget that our father in heaven has a plan for our lives. We are so eager to teach children how good God is and how He is plentiful and loving, yet when it comes to it we seem to forget it. We forget that we have God's strength, we can do all things in that (Phillipians 4:13). We forget that He sent his son to die for us, even when we turned away from Him, so that we may have life and live it to the fullest (John 3:16). We forget that when we trust in Him we have put our trust in the best place and that He totally and utterly adores us and remains faithful at all times (Psalm 146:3-8). We forget these simple things, when we are caught up with the world.

    Christ died, so that we might have life. He didn't die for an unworthy cause, He used his own life in a replacement for us. He made the way for our life to be totally and utterly fulfilled. He died so that we might be free. On that cross he took the world, he literally had the world on his shoulders. He took sin, shame, powerlessness, suffering, guilt, weakness, pain. He took it for us to live. He left the glory of heaven, he left his throne room to come to earth for us. 

   But wait!

There's still more good news. He didn't just die for us in hope that we could do it alone. He rose again. How amazing is that? Christ defied the odds, he did the impossible. He left the grave and HE LIVES. Does this not remind us, all things through Christ are possible!? As well as this He gave us His spirit so that we don't need to do it alone. With Him as our guide how can we be lost in the world? Christ who has overcome death is with us. He faces the world with us. We can overcome. Live in the victory.

Christ died so that we may live. It's not a simple sentence, it's a powerful command. Jesus Christ, Lord of lords, king of kings, creator of all, came down from his glory in heaven to die for us. Even when we rejected him - he loved us. Through him we have the power, strength and wisdom of His spirit. Through Him we know true heavenly freedom. 

'Because he lives I can face tomorrow'

Let the darkness tremble

So this blog comes in wake of the sad news of Robin Williams' passing. You would have seen the posts on various social networking sites marking the death of the amazing actor - clips of his great films, hilarious characters and famous one-liners. You would've also seen the reason for Robin Williams' death - depression. A dictionary definition for this word is; 'severe, typically prolonged feelings of despondency and dejection'. Depression isn't just a state of mind, it's a life sentence. We've been ignoring it for too long, depression isn't something people can just wait out, a mind set that if we take a long deep breath we can get over. It's a bondage over our life, heart and mind. We need to stop treating it at arms length, referring people to countless doctors and counsellors - brushing it off as someone being a bit sad or 'hormonal', we need to start treating like the illness it is and treat it with love. Depression, anxiety and worry all become part of people's lives, they live and breathe it. The only way I can fully describe it is like when you're trying to catch a breath and you just can't - for some reason you can't breathe, you can't fully inflate your lungs. It steals your life and every ounce of happiness you may have, it takes over everything you do, your intimacy with people, your work ethic, your way of life - everything. As Christians we have ignored it for too long. We have let the dark hand of depression, anxiety, panic, bipolar strangle the hearts of many. We turn our nose up at it - leaving it up to those who 'really know what they're doing'. We offer to drive people to see a counsellor or to have a chat - but we ignore the actual problem. The fact that this illness needs healing.
     I don't think I'm alone when I say I believe in a God that can heal. We have heard countless times of times God's shown up and removed tumours, healed broken legs and even risen people from the dead - so why do we ignore this? The illness of depression. Some people will turn away from reading this, for years the word 'depression' has been seen as a dirty word, a word Christians don't know or have never experienced because God offers love, peace and joy. Many Christians don't believe that people who love God can get depression - how could they? God's love is so amazing and when you trust in God, you feel His peace. This factor has left people who have depression or anxiety or any similar illness rejected by the church. Christians aren't meant to feel like this. Church's are keen on speaking on trusting in God gives you peace - but does this mean people who struggle with depression and anxiety are doing something wrong? We need to, as a church, a body of Christ, learn how to encourage those who need it, but not patronise. It's a very difficult balance to get, but once we get it - it makes a world of difference.
     Depression is on the rise - and as a lover of the father God I believe we can stand against it. We can pray and minister into people's lives, not treat them as if they are lesser than what they have been made to be. We need to take away the life sentence of depression - I want to live in a world where depression is just a memory. Anxiety shouldn't be something that stops people from doing things, you shouldn't have to label yourself as a bit of a 'worrier'. Christ is a healer and will heal. We should be able to breathe again. We need to be a family and not forget that we are a family, our brothers and sisters are crying out - those who suffer from depression or any mental illness are yearning for love from the church, love that is genuine - people who cry when they cry, who laugh when they pray and commit to praying in order for an ultimate healing. It has no right in this place, it has no right to take the lives of teenagers, of children, of mothers or fathers - it has no right here. Pray against it.
      I would also like to say at this point, you are not weak. It's tough hearing people at church talking of joy and love, especially when you're in a place in your life where you struggle even to get up in the morning, where you spend hours agonising over impossible situations in your head. YOU ARE NOT WEAK.  Stormy seas may sway you, but you will never be washed away. You need to know that the father of all, the king of kings loves you and delights in you. He simply can't get enough of you. He knew you before you were born, He has your life planned out. His heart breaks as He sees you go through this turmoil. Allow God in. I know it's so easy to say, but abandon yourself to God - allow Him into your heart. Surround yourself with Him - let the darkness tremble. Speak the name of Jesus into your life - the devil must flee when His name is spoken.

God is moving, God is shaping a generation - do not let things get in the way of this. Know freedom, know God's plan, do not listen to the lies of the devil. He loves to tell you how little you are worth, how weak you are, how you will never be out of this pit. BUT IN JESUS NAME, I believe in a freedom like no other. His cooling river of peace to wash over you. Pray until something happens, persist and don't give up - get rid of the safety blanket and allow Him to shake you up. Allow His love and goodness in. And know you are not alone.

Blessings.
May
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FREEDOM

Jesus answered: "I am the way and the truth and the life: no one comes to the Father but through Me." John 14:6

For years I had an alter-ego, this was someone who I would always blame for the things I did wrong, her name was Gemma. She would literally get the blame for everything - in my naive mind I thought this prevent me from getting into trouble, obviously this was not case, but this didn't stop me from blaming her. I never wanted to get into any sort of trouble, so of course I'd blame her. Ideally, Gemma would take all of my blame and be the reason why I did things wrong (of course, years later my parents haven't let me forget...) I always felt like so I didn't get the punishment, I wanted something else to take the blame. But my main problem was that Gemma didn't exist and I would always end up getting the punishment.
     BUT
How great is this - God has paid the way! When sin is concerned He has made a way to eternal life. Sin, shame, regret is pinned to the cross.

We know that - we're taught that from a young age pretty much. But only when we really study the above verse do we actually get some sort of insight to the incredible sacrifice Christ made - so that we may have a clear way to heaven and to God, the father. He took the blame and the suffering so that we may find freedom. It's pretty amazing, the deepest darkest parts of our lives - Christ took for His own. Not only does He give us freedom, but He offers us joy, love everlasting, peace, goodness - it goes on! He paid the price - He took the blame, He served the time. We don't need to have any other sacrifice to gain the glory of God. There is a new covenant made in Christ (this was at the last supper), we no longer need to live in a place where we feel a blockade between us and God, we no longer need to make a sacrifice like in the Old Testament (it was common to kill a lamb). Jesus is the lamb and has made the way to full life in Christ. Through Him all things are made new. When we are born again, when our way to God is made - we have a new identity - our identity in Him, all things gone. All blame, punishment, sin - gone. Our new life is our life. You don't remember anything before you were born do you? So when you were born again, Christ makes no list of your transgressions against Him. A way has been made to fullness in Christ. The way is Christ. He took our punishment, so that we may have life.

Blessings.
May
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I enjoyed morphine too much

I used to try and get off going to school as much as I could as a child. I would always pretend I was sick to not go in, and to be honest it worked a lot of the time. I don't know when I started 'being ill' all the time, but I was a fast learner. I realised that being ill the morning of school wasn't enough. So I started really plotting, really committing to being ill. I'd start the night before (genius, I know), I'd time it perfectly - as soon as I knew my mum was coming through the door I'd lie pathetically on the sofa (or, for real illness perfection and real commitment, on my bed). My mum would come in and shout 'hi', a weak and feeble 'hello' greeted her back as I groaned in 'agony', (usually at this point I would've moaned about how ill I was to my sister, who was usually overly sympathetic - thank-you Grace (laying the foundations early on)). My mum would then come in and check on me. If I was downstairs, she'd make me go to bed, I would climb the stairs - slowly, heavy breathing all the time. I'd stay in my room for the evening, when dinner was called I'd pretend to be asleep (please note: before any of this took place I'd gage the situation - what dinner would be). If they came to check on me I'd close my eyes, facing the door (surely if I was faking it I wouldn't be so fearless as to face the door). I'd then go to sleep - waking the next morning, a little earlier than usual (very unlike me). I'd go downstairs, clutching my stomach and tell my mum and dad how unwell I felt..this usually was the clincher - my mum would look at my dad and my dad at my mum and they'd tell me to go back to bed - I was too ill for school. It took all the energy within me to not jump up and down with great joy. I'd go to bed smiling (luckily, due to early waking up I was able to go back to sleep - the signs of a true illness). On other days my mum would say the immortal words of; 'Go and have a shower and see how you feel'.  No words have disappointed me more.
       I was never really sick, I just couldn't be bothered with school. I'm not sure whether my parents knew that or not - or maybe acting is really my forte. But I never really had that much of an illness - I was really lucky. Last year however I got sick, nothing serious, it was glandular fever (most people gasp at that, but I can't help feeling it sounds wonderfully romantic and Victorian). I got it during the summer holiday from uni - a week before my sister's wedding. However, I wasn't diagnosed till about three weeks later. I'm pretty sure my parents thought I was faking it (all too used to my school days of 'being ill'), but I was genuinely really sick. I was hospitalised (sorry for how dramatic that sounds) a few days after my sister got married and kept in for a week - they didn't know what it was. I can't really remember much of being in hospital (except a nurse kept singing 'Rose garden' and I had some hilarious moments due to morphine). I then went to stay with a really kind and Godly lady from church - she looked after me and I was really grateful (and still am). I was told I'd have to probably defer second year at university and go home. I prayed hard for healing and my parents had people at their church praying too. I couldn't bear not going into second year. Guess what? Prayer worked. I was better (I still had a lot of pain in my liver, but was able to carry on university), I went into second year. I was properly ill, like bed-bound ill for around 7 weeks - glandular fever usually takes months to clear.  God had worked in me and healed me from the inside out.
     One of the most poignant times of my illness was when I was woken up with the sun burning down on me - I woke up, feeling quite woozy, but as the wooziness subsided I waited for the nauseating pain of the glandular fever to set it - it didn't come. I still had the dull ache in my liver, but I could live with that. I felt better. Later that day I phoned my parents telling them how much better I felt. They were stunned and told me that one of the men in church had prayed for the sun to shine on me and for me to be healed. Amen. How great is our God?! Throughout the time of my illness, and a little bit after I prayed and worshipped God - I spent hours waiting on Him and worshipping His name - at the time it was all I could do. He strengthened me in so many ways and appeared to me. He may not have healed me straight away but the work that He did in me has made a lasting difference. I now love God with all my heart, I've seen His miracles first hand and know how great He is. He may not have healed me, but He was doing something.

God may not heal straight away, but He has the power to do so. When we're waiting on God we learn so much. A part I failed to mention was how much I needed to see God at that point in my life. I'd had a dodgy year and had been away from God. God could've healed me straight away - that would've been great, but He worked in me when I needed Him to, I don't think I would've rested on God and waited on Him as much if I had returned to full health straight away. He strengthened me when I was weak. God works like that. He knows the best plan for us. He can heal, He is a healing God who lovingly restores what needs to be restored. At the time of my illness, my faith needed restoration more than my body did. In the end He healed me, but He made sure my faith was healed. Even if God doesn't heal you, He has the power to do so. Some great people have not been healed, they continue to pray, or, in some cases, have lost the battle - but their faith and belief in God has endured and His name is victorious. God does everything for a purpose.

'O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me' (Psalm 30:2)

Blessings.
May
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The day I stole

I remember it so well, as if it was just yesterday. I remember the thrill and excitement, the rush of blood and adrenaline mixed together made it altogether more daring. Let me set the scene; my mum had taken us shopping, all of us. We were only children and supermarket shopping was pretty dull - but this day has stuck with me. The memory of it failing to disappear - even fifteen years on. I remember seeing it lying there on the ground, Alexander and Grace saw it too. Glistening in the artificial light, small, round and perfect. In a green wrapper it lay, a green foil to keep in the freshness. A single mint chocolate bar/circle. It lay on the ground, a virgin chocolate thrown away from its packet, left to fend for itself. It's only kind we did what we did. I can't remember who picked it up, I'm sure it was Grace as she was the eldest. But all I remember from that point was the taste of mint and chocolate as we split this small yet perfect chocolate bar between us. It was bliss. Still to this day I don't think we ever told my parents, whether it be out of shame or the fact that we had loved the chocolate so much (& for some reason I'm pretty sure we weren't allowed this particular type), or the fact we took pure delight in eating chocolate from the floor...I'm not sure, but I still remember this day and what we did.
   
It's not the world's biggest crime. To be honest it probably isn't really a crime, we, as children took chocolate from a shop floor - which is actually quite gross now I think about it. I've never really forgotten it, I mean don't get me wrong, I don't lie awake tossing and turning, feeling years of guilt and shame over a chocolate bar, but I do remember it. And the problem is, sin doesn't let you forget, most of the time. Although I've never spent days on end seeking forgiveness for the the chocolate bar, I have spent days of feeling particularly guilty and ashamed of other stuff - really boring, mediocre things that to me seem like the biggest deal ever and make me the worst human alive, even though I've sought and received forgiveness.
   Sin is from the devil, we know that - it's kind of obvious & with sin comes guilt and shame. One of the reasons we know we have done wrong is the guilt we feel. It's not our fault, we live in a world where people getting their own back is a given (there was a flipping show about it when I was a child...). People strive to take revenge on the wrongdoings of others - even once the said person has apologised. It is obvious we would feel guilt. But this isn't what God wants for us, this bondage of guilt and shame is something God wants us to break out of. Our unhealthy relationship with sin and shame is slowly but surely hindering our relationship with God and how close we can be with him. We need to ensure that we break out of this cycle of feeling this way, we can't live our lives being ruled by sin. In some cases we feel as if we can never be forgiven - as if our sin is too great and too dirty to be forgiven - these are sins nobody knows about, we sometimes push them to the front of our mind as soon as anyone talks about sin - you probably have it in your mind now. Know that once you have sought forgiveness, forgiveness is given. 'As far as the East is from the West, so has He removed our transgressions from us' (Psalm 103:12). Jesus died on the cross for our sins, every sin was nailed with Him. He didn't only die, He rose again, He overcame the biggest hurdle. He made a way so that we may have life and have it to the fullest. Your sin no longer defines you. To protect yourself however from the trap of a cycle of sin (sin we seemingly can't escape) we need to pray for breakthrough and pray that Jesus will offer us protection as well as being able to break down the walls of sin and wrong doing that we have built. If Christ can overcome death, He can overcome sin.
     Guilt is a horrendous experience, it keeps us awake at night and makes it difficult to want to get close to God. It becomes part of our every day life and hinders us from truly living. But we know this is not the way we should live our lives. We shouldn't be ruled by this great thing which really has no power. Christ has forgiven us, redeemed us and set us free. Guilt is of the devil - he strives to make it as difficult as possible for us to get into an intimate relationship with God, he lies to us and manipulates situations in order to make us fear and feel shame, but this shouldn't be the case. God loves us and is so merciful that the enemy HAS been defeated, therefore sin has been defeated - it no longer has any power. Once the slate is wiped clean, it is wiped clean. There is power in the name of Jesus, to break EVERY chain. Jesus is the only one who has the power and authority to judge, yet he forgives us. His grace is never ending and His love in never failing. He delights in you, His merciful power taking control of you. Know freedom, know forgiveness.

Blessings
May
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