So one of the biggest challenges for me growing up was my name. Having a name like May was probably the worst thing for me. All my friends at school had good names, like Hannah or Megan - I was May. It's not even cool or hippy. There isn't even a back story to it - it's just May. It also rhymes with everything. It's unusual, yes, but this isn't great as a eight year old, desperately struggling to climb up the social ladder and own an Alice band that says my name on it...alas, I was only able to wear one that said 'princess' or 'angel' or some other pet name, nobody ever called me. It's also the name of a month, which meant I was chased round the play ground, people tunefully singing all the months of the year to me (it didn't help that there was someone in my class called April). Having my name sucked. On one occasion my grandmother had returned from a holiday with a little goody bag for us all - my sister Grace got one, my brother Alexander got one (both with their names printed in capitals)..I was handed a little wrapped up present...excitedly I unwrapped it, my hands were shaking as I turned the bag over (my head was filled with pride as I imagined my name being printed on this bag for the world to see. I'd take this bag everywhere with me (even though it was only large enough to fit a chewit in it) but it would have MY name on it.) as I looked down at the bag I read the following: 'A bag for; sorry they didn't have your name'. I have never been so disappointed in my life. Not only did they not have my name, but they had the audacity to tell me about it. Gutted doesn't even cover it. From that day on I've searched high and low for anything (other than a calender) with my name on it. (I really don't want to talk about the heartache when the named coca-cola bottles came out).
For years I hated my name, I hated how it shaped me. I would always have to say my names about six times for people not to think I said Meg (this still happens, please just listen to me). My name was my identity, it was something I was stuck with for life (even if I decided to change it, I'd always be born as May). My name isn't that great, I know that. But as I became a teenager my name wasn't the only part of my identity I struggled with. I began to struggle with who I was. I was also told that Christianity was the right way - I come from a great Christian family and I adore that they encouraged me in my faith, but also let me experience some of the world. I was baptised when I was twelve and I thought that was it, life would be easy now I was a Christian and all I needed to do was sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. Oh, how wrong I was. I grew up with a great group of friends (who I'll always love) but as we became teenagers we struggled with the standard teenage things. Image was one of these. I never really cared about image (this one time my sister's friend told her that he didn't realise she had two little brothers...he meant me and my brother), but I became more and more aware of how I looked as I grew up. I would compare myself to people and I began wearing make-up (big mistake). I would shape myself on how other people dressed or did their make up (at one point I would be caught with big black rings round my eyes, poker straight hair and a studded belt - hot). I strived to fit in and 'look good'. But this idea of looking good changes all the time. 'Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting" (Proverbs 31:30) The Bible tells us here that the beauty we have does go. I only have to look backwards through my photos how fashion changes and how much it does not matter what you wear or look like, because ultimately in a few years it'll all change anyway. (Beauty is like an iPhone, wait a few months and the idea of something else will totally trump this seasons model). We shouldn't be shaped by what is materialistic, because it goes away it doesn't last forever. Our identity shouldn't be designed by what looks good - it should have a deeper meaning.
But what does this look like? How can we, as Christians shape our identity in order to be something Christlike? Well we have to understand, first of all that in shaping our lives we have to come to the word of God. We should know that we are made by Christ, lovingly and carefully; 'For you created my inmost being: you knit me together in my mother's womb' (Psalm 139:13). You are not an accident. We were made by the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, creator of the heavens and earth - that's a pretty big deal. Every attribute we have, has been designed by Christ. The more we understand and believe this, the better. If we know that actually God is our creator, the better and easier coming to terms with our identity becomes. We are not to be defined by what the world says is identity - make-up and fashion only goes so far. Our identity through Christ is deeper, he knew us before we were even born - he knows us intimately. It's easier said than done, I know that, I've lived that. Being a Christian in the 21st Century is hardly walk in the park. We are told how to act on a daily. But as I keep saying, it is nothing compared to what Christ has in store. I heard an analogy from a lady at a church weekend away which really helps; Think of it like this: When you have sea water, it looks like the real thing, but when you drink it, it doesn't quench your thirst...if anything it makes you more and more thirsty for the real thing. That's like the world's idea of identity - we can try and go into the world and be like as the world wants us to be and conforming, but this never will satisfy us. We will never be made whole by living in this way. We may never know true happiness in ourselves in this way. Through Christ, the real deal, may we know true and ultimate happiness. He can be the shaping of our identity, because He knows us the best, He has great plans for us and love us on an intimate uncontrollable level. He has dealt with our past, He is in our present and He knows our future.
Another problem is the idea of sin. I know the struggle of being able to let go of the past - I am overwhelmed by guilt and shame when I think about my previous sin and sometimes it's uncontrollable. But the simple truth is your past should not define you. I don't know about you, but I can't help but look around at other Christians and see how 'amazing' they are and how they've got it altogether. I think about what I've done and think I'm the worst person in the world (even though, it's not even that bad). At one point in my life I was ruled by my past failures, I was scared to open up to people and I could never really let go of anything - I held onto things that didn't matter and became obsessed with asking for forgiveness again and again. This resulted in me having very bad anxiety (this is something I still occasionally struggle with). I was taken to see a doctor and I still couldn't deal with it. I became so obsessed that I struggled sleeping and would get sick. I'd feel bad if I had talked badly about somebody, or drank too much at a party that I began to shut off my feelings. My past was totally taking control, I was unable to shake it and therefore unable to grow. This wrecked me. I couldn't stand it. 'Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood' (Isaiah 54:4) Your past does not define you. You shouldn't live in guilt or tainted by what you have done. Our God is so incredible and merciful that He does not look at you in disgust or remember your past. That was dealt with at the cross. You will not be reminded by your sin or shaped by your mistakes - you will grow from them and live from them. Know true freedom and identity in Jesus Christ.
Although I've come to terms with my name, I still hate having to repeat it constantly and get the occasional month joke..(the other day I also got mistaken for a boy..wow, that one cut deep). But I know that my name is not my identity. God knows my name, that's all I need to care about. My past is not what defines me. I have been made through Christ and of Christ. My identity is Him. Remain in Him, invest in Him.
'I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit' (John 15:5)
Blessings.
May
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