The struggle is real (Part 1)- Let me explain..

*Disclaimer: This is a really jumbled up blog. I'm basically typing and publishing. I'm thinking about what I'm writing, but just putting it down as I'm thinking it - I don't really want to sugar coat it/make it make proper sense because I'm worried it'll not be what I actually want to write (does that even make sense?!) I promise the next blog will be clearer and more concise! Lots of love.

Mental illness seems to be talked about more now than ever before. I have briefly spoken about it in a previous blog, but it seems to be that it is becoming more and more of an issue. I think it's something like 1 in 4 people have a diagnosed mental illness. But 1 in 1 people have mental health. This statistic doesn't mean that you will never be affect, that only a certain amount of people will ever be affected by it. Mental illness affects us all, it should be talked about more. It is an illness, we shouldn't shy away from calling it that. We shouldn't fob it off as having an 'off day', or that it's our own fault or we aren't doing something right, we need to stop pretending that you'll be all okay when you're 100% on fire for God, because in reality hearing those things suck. People constantly telling you to just 'pray about it' (and that being the only piece of advice) doesn't help. Sometimes 'just praying about it' isn't as easy as you think, it's a struggle to focus at the best of times, but when your mental health is bad it's made all the more difficult. As a Christian being able to admit that I struggle with my mental health is something that I have feared for almost three years. It seems crazy that in a world where we can talk about pretty much anything we still want to hide away from speaking about something that we all, at one point in our life, be it directly or not, will be affected by.
    In my life I have worked closely with people who suffer from mental health conditions, from severe and debilitating bipolar to general anxiety disorder (GAD), I have seen a wide range of different mental health problems that are really having an affect on the people who suffer from them. Not only are they tormented by a constant drowning sensation, but they are also cast out by society. Mental illness still has a bad name, a stigma that we relate to the asylums that we see on history programmes, but how are we to break away from that? How can we, as Christians, offer people who suffer from a mental illness - no matter how severe a place to know that they are safe? A place of sanctuary and hope that people constantly crave.
    I am more than aware of how difficult it is to understand mental health, through working at it on a professional level/volunteering at my church with young adults as well as suffering with anxiety/depression myself. It's not an easy thing to admit (even as I am writing this I'm questioning whether or not to publish it). Depression isn't how it looks like on TV, it isn't all about crying and emotional breakdowns (that can totally happen), but it's also about the huge lack of motivation. Imagine waking up every morning, still exhausted, not even wanting to talk to the people you live with through no fault of their own. Imagine catching your reflection in the mirror and honestly loathing everything about it. Imagine not even bothering to eat because you don't see the point in it. That's only half of what depression can be like, it's an endless void that controls every part of your life. Then, in addition to that imagine not being able to sleep due to being so worried about the next day or reliving a conversation that you had where you may or may not have said something wrong. Imagine being slightly ill, and imagining its something far worse (& then googling the symptoms which makes things ten times worse).  Again, this is exhausting and requires a lot of thought, which needs motivation, so having anxiety and depression combined is probably one of the most exhausting experiences I've ever had. I sometimes struggle to be able to just pray about it, especially if I am feeling very anxious. I struggle to put my mind on something that means I have to just let go - sometimes, as stupid as it sounds - I don't want to. I am in the comfort of my anxiety, like a weird safety blanket. (Oh, and by the way - I am more than well aware that my mental health improves when I'm praying to when I'm not praying, but no way does it disappear. Also, prayer definitely does help!)
     I don't think the above description will give mental health problems any justice - honestly, it's binding. I struggle with it on quite a mild level really, I can still cope. I don't take tablets for it (it has been offered & I have in the past but due to the effect it had on my body I decided to not take them anymore). Mental illness is destructive, it craves to destroy the people it has hold of, therefore in a world that is so ashamed of mental health we should be a place, a people who have our arms open to the people poor mental health really affects. I feel we need to  become the place where we don't just tell people to pray about it and they'll be healed instantly, or the reason for the poor mental health is a lack of joy...we need to be a place where mental health is accepted and a place where people know to go to find freedom that only Jesus can offer.

This is only part one of a few/couple (of) posts. I will be writing more as I pray into this particular subject. This part was more of a testimony/ramble! So sorry if it was a bit rambly and muddled up in a few places - I was just typing as I thought it out!

Blessings
May

An artists impression

I love drawing, I always have. I remember constantly drawing when I was younger (when I wasn't eating grass/making homes for woodlice). I'm not going to lie, most of the time my pictures were very much below average and there's only so many times you can pass them off as a surreal piece. It wasn't until school that my self portraits stopped looking like Rod Stewart and a little more like me - they still weren't great though. I just can't draw, I'm really not a very good artist. I struggle with faces still, at the age of twenty I've seemingly regressed to my four year old self, my faces are beginning to look more and more like Scottish singers. I just should probably stop, my art is starting to get offensive.

      With art you really have to focus, you really have to get everything right - it takes time. Artists struggle with doing things by half measures. They put all their effort into it to make it perfect. An artists masterpiece is a prized possession. An artist knows every detail they had to put in to make it and they know all of the preparation it took to make this masterpiece - it's not just an off chance thing.

'You are my work of art, individually created by me for a purpose' Ephesians 2:10. God is an artist and God created us. We are not an accident, we haven't been made as an off-hand production, we are the real deal, made by a real artist. He looks us and knows that we are good. We have been made by the great artist, who knows how many hairs we have on our heads. He took His time when He was creating, He knew what He was doing. He knew the quirks He was giving you, the way you laugh and smile. He knew your mind and your heart long before your parents did. He is your creator, the artist and your ultimate father. He delights in the creation He has made. Artists don't delight in accidents.

       We are made by Him to serve Him. He loves us already, we don't need to aim to please Him - we don't need to try and fill our lives up with the holiest of things and hate ourselves when we miss up. The great thing about it is God delights in us as his masterpieces. He loves us, every little bit of us. To Him we are beautiful, we are created in His image and made to do His work. We are also made individually - this means we are not made to be like everyone else, we are not made to conform. We are  born as an individual, with our own traits and personality. We shouldn't aim to be someone else. No matter how much the world tries to tell us different, you are the best person you can be, you are worth it, you - individually - are amazing. Not all artists images are the same, but they're all beautiful, they all have had work put into them. Works of art are priceless, so are you.

You have been created and designed by a great artist. He made you beautiful and unique to do the work that He wants you to do in your way. We all have different skills and talents that God has given us, we have been chosen for these - the creator has individually chosen us.

Don't ever be less than what He has made you. You're a child of the King, nothing can change that.

Blessings.

May

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Let the darkness tremble

So this blog comes in wake of the sad news of Robin Williams' passing. You would have seen the posts on various social networking sites marking the death of the amazing actor - clips of his great films, hilarious characters and famous one-liners. You would've also seen the reason for Robin Williams' death - depression. A dictionary definition for this word is; 'severe, typically prolonged feelings of despondency and dejection'. Depression isn't just a state of mind, it's a life sentence. We've been ignoring it for too long, depression isn't something people can just wait out, a mind set that if we take a long deep breath we can get over. It's a bondage over our life, heart and mind. We need to stop treating it at arms length, referring people to countless doctors and counsellors - brushing it off as someone being a bit sad or 'hormonal', we need to start treating like the illness it is and treat it with love. Depression, anxiety and worry all become part of people's lives, they live and breathe it. The only way I can fully describe it is like when you're trying to catch a breath and you just can't - for some reason you can't breathe, you can't fully inflate your lungs. It steals your life and every ounce of happiness you may have, it takes over everything you do, your intimacy with people, your work ethic, your way of life - everything. As Christians we have ignored it for too long. We have let the dark hand of depression, anxiety, panic, bipolar strangle the hearts of many. We turn our nose up at it - leaving it up to those who 'really know what they're doing'. We offer to drive people to see a counsellor or to have a chat - but we ignore the actual problem. The fact that this illness needs healing.
     I don't think I'm alone when I say I believe in a God that can heal. We have heard countless times of times God's shown up and removed tumours, healed broken legs and even risen people from the dead - so why do we ignore this? The illness of depression. Some people will turn away from reading this, for years the word 'depression' has been seen as a dirty word, a word Christians don't know or have never experienced because God offers love, peace and joy. Many Christians don't believe that people who love God can get depression - how could they? God's love is so amazing and when you trust in God, you feel His peace. This factor has left people who have depression or anxiety or any similar illness rejected by the church. Christians aren't meant to feel like this. Church's are keen on speaking on trusting in God gives you peace - but does this mean people who struggle with depression and anxiety are doing something wrong? We need to, as a church, a body of Christ, learn how to encourage those who need it, but not patronise. It's a very difficult balance to get, but once we get it - it makes a world of difference.
     Depression is on the rise - and as a lover of the father God I believe we can stand against it. We can pray and minister into people's lives, not treat them as if they are lesser than what they have been made to be. We need to take away the life sentence of depression - I want to live in a world where depression is just a memory. Anxiety shouldn't be something that stops people from doing things, you shouldn't have to label yourself as a bit of a 'worrier'. Christ is a healer and will heal. We should be able to breathe again. We need to be a family and not forget that we are a family, our brothers and sisters are crying out - those who suffer from depression or any mental illness are yearning for love from the church, love that is genuine - people who cry when they cry, who laugh when they pray and commit to praying in order for an ultimate healing. It has no right in this place, it has no right to take the lives of teenagers, of children, of mothers or fathers - it has no right here. Pray against it.
      I would also like to say at this point, you are not weak. It's tough hearing people at church talking of joy and love, especially when you're in a place in your life where you struggle even to get up in the morning, where you spend hours agonising over impossible situations in your head. YOU ARE NOT WEAK.  Stormy seas may sway you, but you will never be washed away. You need to know that the father of all, the king of kings loves you and delights in you. He simply can't get enough of you. He knew you before you were born, He has your life planned out. His heart breaks as He sees you go through this turmoil. Allow God in. I know it's so easy to say, but abandon yourself to God - allow Him into your heart. Surround yourself with Him - let the darkness tremble. Speak the name of Jesus into your life - the devil must flee when His name is spoken.

God is moving, God is shaping a generation - do not let things get in the way of this. Know freedom, know God's plan, do not listen to the lies of the devil. He loves to tell you how little you are worth, how weak you are, how you will never be out of this pit. BUT IN JESUS NAME, I believe in a freedom like no other. His cooling river of peace to wash over you. Pray until something happens, persist and don't give up - get rid of the safety blanket and allow Him to shake you up. Allow His love and goodness in. And know you are not alone.

Blessings.
May
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What is church?

What is church? Genuinely, what's your answer to that question? Is it 'a building, with a steeple' or are you a little bit more theological then that and your answer is 'it's a fellowship of Christians, coming together to love and worship God' - which is it? I don't mean to patronise you, but both of these answers are shallow and in some ways completely wrong.

I've always been in the mentality that church is a Sunday thing, happening once a week where we all dress up, look our best and leave our worries at the door. We all smile and laugh - eating the chocolate bourbons, drinking the fair-trade coffee. We have the perfect looking families and have that fixed look of euphoria whenever we worship God, we can give a scripture perfectly at any given moment (although, I did this once and realised I'd quoted Night at the museum rather than the Bible) and share 'Christian jokes'. To be honest, this isn't always what we're feeling. I know there's times I've gone to church and gone through the motions. In my first year of university especially I was going through a really tough time with God, but I'd still go to church every Sunday and smile and put my hands up in the right places - but it would all be empty. I didn't want to admit to anyone that I was having a bad time of it. My idea of church was that I have to be happy, I have to be together and have it all sorted on a Sunday morning, nobody really wanted to know my crap. Is this what church is becoming?

As Christians we are so keen on spreading the good word - this is great - but we miss out key parts. God didn't come for the ones who have it all together.; 'I have not come to call the righteous but the sinners to repentance' Luke 5:32. So many Christians take this as 'well Christians aren't all perfect', yeah this is true - but this isn't wholly what Jesus meant. He meant basically that He came for everyone. He came for the cheaters, the liars, the murderers - as much as He came for the gossips and bullies. But, this is something we forget - something that we do not put as our forthcoming message. With the smiles and the sharp suits we give the impression that we have it all together. We need to stop this, we need to stop putting people off. Church needs to stop being a stage for Christians and start becoming a sanctuary for everyone. Church shouldn't be about the performance, but about the help. We need to establish the grounds in which people are coming to the church. It should become a place that is attractive, and not just a place full of 'weird Christians'. We need to make our main message that of one that will attract non-Christians - not ones that will put people off. Our main ideology (if you like), should be one of love. Ourselves we need to know that a church is a safe place, we don't have to put on pretences in order to please the man sitting next to you. Church shouldn't be just for the Christians.

On a Sunday, come just as you are - don't bottle it up, suit it and boot it. Come with a honest vulnerability and hunger for more of God - we get it, not everything is great all the time.

'Church shouldn't be a museum for saints, but a hospital for sinners'

Blessings
May
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I found love in a hopeless place

I used to love following my older siblings around, they clearly hated it. I was three years younger than my sister and just a year younger than my brother. I loved them to bits (& I still do) but I probably annoyed them no end. This one time our family went to Germany on holiday and we visited a lake. My brother decided it would be a good idea to wade out into the lake, I followed him promptly and as it got deeper I continued to follow him - I had committed and even though I was only about four and I couldn't swim I was going to follow Alexander. I don't really know what the plan was or the point of the voyage into the lake, but I didn't care. I was following Alexander, my big brother, I couldn't be happier. Then I slipped.
...
I obviously didn't die. I did however just lie there, excepting my fate...I don't really remember much of it except my dad running into the water and totally rescuing me. His big arms came around me and picked me up, saving me from drowning. I don't think I really cared at the time, I probably just ate sand or something on the shore part - I was too young to really think anything of it. My sister had screamed the whole time and my brother found the whole thing absolutely hilarious. But my father came and reached me out and rescued me. (There literally cannot be a bigger metaphor than that...)

The name of my blog 'Ruins to Glory' is very representative of my life - of my walk with Christ. Truly I was pulled out of the rubble of my life and put in God's light. He has saved me and given me a life - and life to the fullest. God reached into my life when I needed Him & not just when I became a Christian but throughout my life. I think back on the times where I struggled and was far from God - but I look back and I can notice now how God was there, in situations and parts of my life that seemed dark God was there. I am able to say that now God has truly been my saviour. He has the power to lift you out of any situations. We are able to live our life how we want, for God or not - He has given us free will to do so, but also loves us. When we need Him, when we call out to God He will show up. 

I know this video is about 45 years old but this video for me is one of the most emotional and in-depth explanations of Jesus' love. We see the girl at the start dancing with Jesus - this exciting new and beautiful feeling we have when we first give our lives, however she is then challenged with obstacles like boys, money, self-image and alcohol. We see her move away from God and be controlled by these things that are of the world. But as it all comes to a head she goes back to Jesus. However, she is torn apart by the things she is involved with - she becomes a ruin, but before it all gets too much Jesus steps in and protects he. She has lived a life of sin, yet He refuses to let her go. He saves His daughter from downing. God picks you up - He will never let you fall, He delights in you and is in love with you. Know His love and forgiveness and all He has to offer. God will be there in the anguish and the pain, when all seems lost - all you need to do it look for Him - He will fight for you.

Blessings.

May.

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I am going to write a blog, but first, let me take a selfie

Meeting someone new is always quite a scary prospect - we never really know how to act. I am forever envious of those people who can make a great first impression, that's not me. I think I have a problem sometimes with how much of an awkward first impression I make. I remember needing to meet my boyfriend's parents and how frightened I was - not because of them, but because I just can't cope socially. I also have a problem, a clammy hand problem. This is a problem that I hope affects other people - it's when your hands decide to clam up. Meeting anyone is then the biggest trial ever. Now I'm at an age where shaking hands with new people is a standard I dread it. I have been known to fist bump over shaking hands. I'm a twenty year old white girl, I've never made fist bumping look less cool. First impressions for me are the worst. But I'd like to think once you get to know me your impression will fit who I actually am. You'll begin to understand how much I detest shaking hands with people and laugh at my jokes, even when they're not funny (which is never...). But that's because you've taken the time to get to know me, my identity.

I've already spoken about identity on a basic level, but now I feel I should speak about God's identity and how we can get to know it. The most obvious answer is the Bible. Where else would we find stuff about God being God then in the book about Him. As once described to me; 'The Bible is God's selfie' all we need to know about Him and see about Him is in this book. His identity is shaped in these pages, we get to know the real Him as we delve deeper into His word. A lot of us, as children would've been given this image of God - being the omnipresent being who lives in the sky with a grey beard - his son Jesus sitting next to Him with a brown beard and a very fetching striped number. We have this aesthetic view of God because of artists impressions and our own imagination, but to be honest the Bible doesn't really offer any sort of profile of God, we don't know the colour of his eyes or His shoe size, but instead we do know His character. We can see all around us His creation and all He has done so we know the power that He has, but we can't just leave it at that. If we want to know more of an artist we gain understand through research and interest in them as a person, we can't just look at their work and know all about them - we gain some understanding, our interpretation of the person, but that's about it. If we want to know God, we need to look into it. 

    The Bible offers plenty of descriptions of God - from start to finish, we can see stories of Him and we are able to gain an understanding of just how great He is. There are of descriptions of Him; 'God is love' (John 4:8) as we read the Bible we can get to know God. But this is it, we can't just get to know Him by remembering Bible verses we learnt as children, or Bible verses we see on bumper stickers - we must take time and invest in the word of God. (This does not mean flip it open and read the first thing you find - I did that once, it spoke about the wrath of God, Old Testament style - flipping scary stuff) We must read it & again not in the style of a story book. The Bible is (and I'm pretty sure this is a Mike Myers quote); Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth (Cringe). If we want to know God, read about Him - read the book that has saved many people's lives, that people have died for, that people live by - it's the only real way we can understand Him. (Watching Bruce Almighty will never give us a real sense of who God is - sorry about that.)

    I can tell you how amazing God is, His great works, His plans and how He has changed my life - but you need to experience it for yourself, you need to read the truth for you to understand it. We will only have a shallow perception - the aesthetic perception of Him if we don't strive to know Him. It seems almost obvious - read your Bible. And here's another obvious one - prayer and fellowship. How on earth do we expect to get to know someone if we don't talk to them, if we don't put time aside for them? As I've mentioned before, I'm in a long distance relationship with a great man of God - He is incredible, he challenges, encourages and blesses me (just showing off now). I love him with all my heart, he is my best friend and I know him better than anyone (and he knows me!) However, I wouldn't know him at all if I hadn't taken the time to get to know him, to find out stuff about him, to meet people who are crazy about him to, to know the people he loves & to love the people he loves. I talk to him everyday (to the annoyance of everyone) and I get alongside people he knows and loves. I've met his family and I truly love them, I've got to know his friends and again, I've gotten to know them personally as friends. I have made an effort. This is how we should approach God and how we get to know God. Get alongside people who adore God - who want to know more and are striving for the same goal (this means getting to know Christians - being part of a church, or being alongside other Christians). Speak to God - praying to God is key to getting to know Him and His power. Without talking to Him you'll struggle to know anything. Communication is key in any relationship - so why not this one? Prayer and fellowship is vital to getting to know God's identity. Reading the Bible does wonders, but it isn't enough. We must get to know God on a personal level and be in a relationship with Him. Being a Christian isn't a religion, it's a faithful, loving, passionate relationship.

You don't know people when you first meet them, when you don't take the time to get to know them. God is the same, we can't settle for an aesthetic view of Him, created by artists hundreds of years ago. We must look to get to know Him more through His word, through praying and through fellowship. It's the only way in which we can truly know God - the ultimate, the beginning and the end. 

'I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end' (Revelation 22:13)

Blessings

May

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Sorry they didn't have your name

So one of the biggest challenges for me growing up was my name. Having a name like May was probably the worst thing for me. All my friends at school had good names, like Hannah or Megan - I was May. It's not even cool or hippy. There isn't even a back story to it - it's just May. It also rhymes with everything. It's unusual, yes, but this isn't great as a eight year old, desperately struggling to climb up the social ladder and own an Alice band that says my name on it...alas, I was only able to wear one that said 'princess' or 'angel' or some other pet name, nobody ever called me. It's also the name of a month, which meant I was chased round the play ground, people tunefully singing all the months of the year to me (it didn't help that there was someone in my class called April). Having my name sucked. On one occasion my grandmother had returned from a holiday with a little goody bag for us all - my sister Grace got one, my brother Alexander got one (both with their names printed in capitals)..I was handed a little wrapped up present...excitedly I unwrapped it, my hands were shaking as I turned the bag over (my head was filled with pride as I imagined my name being printed on this bag for the world to see. I'd take this bag everywhere with me (even though it was only large enough to fit a chewit in it) but it would have MY name on it.) as I looked down at the bag I read the following: 'A bag for; sorry they didn't have your name'. I have never been so disappointed in my life. Not only did they not have my name, but they had the audacity to tell me about it. Gutted doesn't even cover it. From that day on I've searched high and low for anything (other than a calender) with my name on it. (I really don't want to talk about the heartache when the named coca-cola bottles came out).

For years I hated my name, I hated how it shaped me. I would always have to say my names about six times for people not to think I said Meg (this still happens, please just listen to me). My name was my identity, it was something I was stuck with for life (even if I decided to change it, I'd always be born as May). My name isn't that great, I know that. But as I became a teenager my name wasn't the only part of my identity I struggled with. I began to struggle with who I was. I was also told that Christianity was the right way - I come from a great Christian family and I adore that they encouraged me in my faith, but also let me experience some of the world. I was baptised when I was twelve and I thought that was it, life would be easy now I was a Christian and all I needed to do was sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. Oh, how wrong I was. I grew up with a great group of friends (who I'll always love) but as we became teenagers we struggled with the standard teenage things. Image was one of these. I never really cared about image (this one time my sister's friend told her that he didn't realise she had two little brothers...he meant me and my brother), but I became more and more aware of how I looked as I grew up. I would compare myself to people and I began wearing make-up (big mistake). I would shape myself on how other people dressed or did their make up (at one point I would be caught with big black rings round my eyes, poker straight hair and a studded belt - hot). I strived to fit in and 'look good'. But this idea of looking good changes all the time. 'Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting" (Proverbs 31:30) The Bible tells us here that the beauty we have does go. I only have to look backwards through my photos how fashion changes and how much it does not matter what you wear or look like, because ultimately in a few years it'll all change anyway. (Beauty is like an iPhone, wait a few months and the idea of something else will totally trump this seasons model). We shouldn't be shaped by what is materialistic, because it goes away it doesn't last forever. Our identity shouldn't be designed by what looks good - it should have a deeper meaning.
    But what does this look like? How can we, as Christians shape our identity in order to be something Christlike? Well we have to understand, first of all that in shaping our lives we have to come to the word of God. We should know that we are made by Christ, lovingly and carefully; 'For you created my inmost being: you knit me together in my mother's womb' (Psalm 139:13). You are not an accident. We were made by the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, creator of the heavens and earth - that's a pretty big deal. Every attribute we have, has been designed by Christ. The more we understand and believe this, the better. If we know that actually God is our creator, the better and easier coming to terms with our identity becomes. We are not to be defined by what the world says is identity - make-up and fashion only goes so far. Our identity through Christ is deeper, he knew us before we were even born - he knows us intimately. It's easier said than done, I know that, I've lived that. Being a Christian in the 21st Century is hardly walk in the park. We are told how to act on a daily. But as I keep saying, it is nothing compared to what Christ has in store. I heard an analogy from a lady at a church weekend away which really helps; Think of it like this: When you have sea water, it looks like the real thing, but when you drink it, it doesn't quench your thirst...if anything it makes you more and more thirsty for the real thing. That's like the world's idea of identity - we can try and go into the world and be like as the world wants us to be and conforming, but this never will satisfy us. We will never be made whole by living in this way. We may never know true happiness in ourselves in this way. Through Christ, the real deal, may we know true and ultimate happiness. He can be the shaping of our identity, because He knows us the best, He has great plans for us and love us on an intimate uncontrollable level. He has dealt with our past, He is in our present and He knows our future.
     Another problem is the idea of sin. I know the struggle of being able to let go of the past - I am overwhelmed by guilt and shame when I think about my previous sin and sometimes it's uncontrollable. But the simple truth is your past should not define you. I don't know about you, but I can't help but look around at other Christians and see how 'amazing' they are and how they've got it altogether. I think about what I've done and think I'm the worst person in the world (even though, it's not even that bad). At one point in my life I was ruled by my past failures, I was scared to open up to people and I could never really let go of anything - I held onto things that didn't matter and became obsessed with asking for forgiveness again and again. This resulted in me having very bad anxiety (this is something I still occasionally struggle with). I was taken to see a doctor and I still couldn't deal with it. I became so obsessed that I struggled sleeping and would get sick. I'd feel bad if I had talked badly about somebody, or drank too much at a party that I began to shut off my feelings. My past was totally taking control, I was unable to shake it and therefore unable to grow. This wrecked me. I couldn't stand it. 'Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood' (Isaiah 54:4) Your past does not define you. You shouldn't live in guilt or tainted by what you have done. Our God is so incredible and merciful that He does not look at you in disgust or remember your past. That was dealt with at the cross. You will not be reminded by your sin or shaped by your mistakes - you will grow from them and live from them. Know true freedom and identity in Jesus Christ.

Although I've come to terms with my name, I still hate having to repeat it constantly and get the occasional month joke..(the other day I also got mistaken for a boy..wow, that one cut deep). But I know that my name is not my identity. God knows my name, that's all I need to care about. My past is not what defines me. I have been made through Christ and of Christ. My identity is Him. Remain in Him, invest in Him.

'I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit' (John 15:5)

Blessings.
May
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There's something about Esther.

Good old Esther! She really was a bit of a babe, not only did she was she totally faithful - she was also beautiful! I love the story of Esther, it's such an encouragement to women and she is definitely one of the leading ladies in the Bible. I think she can be such an inspiration for women everywhere, through her we can understand God's love and sovereignty over all circumstances.

So lets get the main story to start off with; Esther was chosen from a load of woman - pretty much hand-picked by the king to be his queen. This doesn't seem like that much of a big deal, but understand that Esther (otherwise known as Hadassah - Esther is definitely easier to spell) was the cousin of Mordecai (who was a Jew). The king decided to throw this beauty pageant (when reading this I can't help but picture a royal, much older version of Toddlers & tiaras - minus Honey Boo Boo). He saw Esther and fancied her straight away and made her his queen. A bit later on Esther's cousin uncovers a conspiracy in which two of the King's guards wanted to kill the king. Mordecai told Esther, who promptly told her new husband - giving the credit to Mordecai (of whom Esther had not mentioned being related to). The King was obviously thankful, impaled the conspirators (Biblical kings definitely knew how to get their own back) and noted Mordecai's help. (I hope you're keeping up!) As the new queen seemingly was settling into her new position she discovered that one of the king's favourite guys, Haman, wanted to kill all the Jews (especially Mordecai - who had not bowed before him). Of course, this put Esther in a tricky position, Haman had already okayed it with the king (who, in his defence wasn't really aware of what was going on so it seems) and was getting himself ready for this mass killing. Mordecai told his young cousin that basically she wasn't safe for she was Jewish and she needed to get this sorted. So Esther went ahead, risking her own life, held a banquet (inviting both the king and Haman - (this he loved and enjoyed boasting about)) and, in the style of the best soaps, revealed her Jewish identity and Haman's wicked plan. The king was outraged, impaled Haman and decided to make Mordecai his right hand man - in the place of Haman. The Jewish faith and people were celebrated and protected by the king. Pretty awesome, right?

I know that was a lot to sink your teeth into (to be honest, when I started writing it I forgot how intense and dramatic it really was - as well as all the impaling going on). But as a basic outline I think we can appreciate just how incredible the story of Esther is. Esther came from a Jewish family, her mother and father had died and she was raised by her cousin. She had no royal heritage, but was beautiful; "This young woman was also known as Esther, had a lovely figure and was beautiful" (Esther 2:7). Esther was picked out for being beautiful, she won over the heart of the king purely for being attractive. This concept is a bit of a tricky thing to grasp - the king saw Esther, fancied the pants off her and married her - none of this 'beauty on the inside stuff' - which sucks. But get this, Esther was noticed for being a woman - a beautiful woman - but a woman nonetheless. She embraced her womanhood, she loved her beauty treatments (the king provided her with such things) and was pretty much a Biblical pin-up girl (like the ancient world's answer to Kate Middleton). I think this part is vital to remember. Esther was picked by the king for her womanly looks - she was put into this position as queen for the reasons that followed. She saved the Jewish people because she was queen. God enabled her and blessed her with her attributes to ensure her in a position of power. It also proves that God doesn't just pick the men. Moses, Joseph, Joshua...the list could go on, they're all great men of God - but God picked Esther and she was pretty much the girliest girl going - that's just a little bit encouraging!  Embrace your womanliness, God has made you a woman for a reason - do not feel less because you are not a man. Women are incredible, and God delights in you. We can be used by God in the same way he uses men, we have different attributes and skills to men and this is something we can use in our serving of God. No matter who you are, where you've come from, what you've done - God can and will use you.
   God's reign overall is prominent throughout this story. He put Esther into these circumstances and protected his children through her. She was made queen and had one of the biggest impacts in the Bible. She may not have been rich and she had no parents yet she managed to save a whole group of people. God had a purpose for her life and used her, even though she was also young. She was given the courage and the wisdom to talk to the king, even though it meant risking her own life and prevailed. God's reigning power rules overall and wins. Although God is not properly mentioned throughout this book it is clear that He is in the background working. He always is, He constantly works in our lives and changes us and prepares us for the challenges we are going to face. Although we may not notice it God is constantly doing work. He would never put us into situations we cannot handle, we are constantly being prepared - just as Esther was. The way in which we can prepare ourselves and allow God to really do work in us is by reading our Bible, and having an actual relationship with God. It's something we are told to do - but sometimes we fail to do it (you're not alone in this, it's easy to talk about, but doing it is something completely different!) Having time with God is vital for our relationship with Him and our attitudes toward living a Christian life - so we have to work at it. Like with any relationship, communication is vital. (Quick story: I'm in a long distance relationship - I love my boyfriend, but when we don't communicate and we fail to talk to each other we struggle as a couple). If we want to move forward with our faith and prepare ourselves to do God's work and for God to use us we have to make sure we spend time with Him.
   
Esther wasn't an accident. She had a purpose. She was a beautiful woman of God, but her looks and physical attributes were not what made her famous. Her courageous, loving and faithful heart was the thing that people remember. She obeyed God and lived for Him. She was made to be the queen at that time, she was made to save people. We must remember that we are made for His purpose, made to serve Him and part of His plan. We are not accidental and we are being prepared as we walk through life. God is constantly working in the background, even if we can't see it straight away. His love prevails.

Blessings.
May
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New blog!

I'm totally new to this blogging stuff - well not totally new, I've had a tumblr and I did have a blog at some point when I was a teenager...which didn't really go anywhere. But it's been on my heart a lot recently to begin a blog to maybe encourage others and also become close to God as I study His word and discover His plans for me.

I'm twenty years old and currently studying English at a University - I love writing. I have a real passion for it and I enjoy other people reading my stuff - especially when they like it! I've been a Christian for eight years now and I fall in love with God more and more everyday. It's such a cliché but I don't know where I'd be without him. That is one of the reasons my blog is called 'Ruins to Glory' I truly believe that God has pulled me out of the rubble of my previous life and brought me into a place of His glory and love. I'm not saying that I had some terrible life at the age of 12 - I was very fortunate to be brought up in a loving, Christian family who encouraged me and protected me in all they could, yet let me live life so I could experience things for myself. Through this I was able to gain a new understanding of the world. My parents forward thinking, liberal attitudes toward our upbringing meant that all of us 4 children were able to gain our own faith and also experience things that at the time we thought were great - but now realise that it's not the real deal!

I really hope my blogging will encourage, comfort, help and sometimes humour you! (I'm not 100% sure about the latter - I've recently discovered I'm not that funny).

Blessings.
May
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